Dreaming
by MsJadey
Summary: Sanosuke's strange dreams are interfering with his life. But what can he do if he can't even remember what they're about? malexmale [COMPLETE]
1. Part One: prologue

Title: Dreaming  
  
Author: MsJadey  
  
E-mail: slashingmsjadey@hotmail.com  
  
Description: Sano is plagued by dreams, and his life begins to fall apart. He knows he could fix everything by fulfilling the desire the dreams represent, but what can he do if he is unable to remember what they're about? Minor humour, angst, loads of sap, and shounen ai.  
  
Archive: Promised to the SaiSa archive. For all others: you want it, you ask, and you got it.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Warnings: strong language; sexuality; violence; character death  
  
Disclaimer: The titles of the second and fourth parts are taken from songs, which belong, respectively, to Cat Stevens and Michael Card. The end of chapter two was inspired in part by Monty Python. The characters, setting, and canon background belong to Watsuki-sensei; I hope he never finds out what I've done to his boys.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Author's Note (not essential and sometimes weepy):  
  
This note is mostly about the changes to the format for those who've already read this fic, as well as a brief apology and explanation from the one major flaw I've been unable to really correct for all the make-overs. For the format, I originally wanted three parts and seven chapters, with three chapters in each of the first two parts and two in the last one. However, as things went along and story evolved (more on that later), that format no longer properly suited the story. Instead, what was once part one: chapter one has become part one: prologue, and all of the been bumped back one (was two is now one, was three is now two, etc.). The parts make a heck of a lot more sense (part one is the introduction to the situation, part two is how Sano deals with the first problem, part three is how he deals with the second problem, and part four will be the conclusion) and will stay this way.  
  
Now, some people have already noticed this, and anyone who starts reading this fic right now will as well. The continuity and flow between chapters is horrendous. Most of my re-editing was directed at easing this problem as much as possible (and it was another reason for the part rearrangements), but I'm still not totally satisfied. The problem has arisen for one hard-to-reconcile reason: there are massive gaps between chapters because there were massive gaps between when I wrote the chapters.  
  
Now, sometimes the gap was intentional (like between part two and part three) for stylistic reasons, but otherwise, in the months between when each chapter was written, I went through major progressions in my understand of the characters, writing abilities, and desires for this fic. It shows. Hopefully, my plan to avoid this ever happening with future fics will succeed.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Part One: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep  
  
Prologue  
  
March 1879 - 11th year of the Meiji Era  
  
Sanosuke awoke and found himself sweaty, shaking, and sticky. "Fuck!"  
  
Despite how angry he was, Sano kept his voice low enough to avoid disturbing the neighbourhood. An irate mob bursting into his shack would only make the situation more embarrassing.  
  
He peeled the thin blanket off his legs, and fumbled around in the dark for his pants and jacket. After the first night he'd woken like this, months ago, Sano had learned to sleep naked--it was cleaner in the long run.  
  
After hurriedly dressing, he wrapped up the blanket, slipped out the door, and jogged barefoot down the empty street. He cursed to himself under his breath, but still maintained the silence of the sleeping city; even the rowdiest drunken gamblers passed out by five in the morning.  
  
When Sano reached a secluded part of the riverbank, he dumped the blanket, and then his clothing, into the water. Joining them, his mind raced with thoughts and emotions. The dreams had been happening for almost a whole year. At first, it had only been once a week, but now, almost every night his rest was disturbed by embarrassing, passionate dreams his memory couldn't recall once he woke up.  
  
It was not as though erotic dreams were new to him--he was a proud, red- blooded male after all--but they had never been so persistent or mysterious. Occasional fantasies at age fourteen about pretty and naked girls were one thing, but night after night of burning and intense dreams barely remembered upon waking, that could be about his grizzled old hag of a landlady for all he knew, was another.  
  
Sanosuke cleaned the semen off of his legs and groin first, before taking the blanket and rubbing it as clean as possible, then doing the same for his clothes, ridding everything of all traces of sweat and seed. After finishing the chore, he tossed everything onto a flat rock to dry when the sun rose. Then he dove back under the water for a swim, to pass the time until he could return home.  
  
The dreams were having a terrible effect on his life. His constantly interrupted sleep forced Sanosuke to go to bed earlier, forsaking drinking and dice. He'd also begun napping in earnest, not just when there was work waiting at the dojo. Actually, after he'd started spending most of his visits to the small school dozing in the sun, the worry of his friends over his apparent narcolepsy had gotten so irritating he rarely went over to call on jou-chan, Yahiko, and Kenshin anymore.  
  
He missed them greatly and hadn't given up their company altogether, but he made sure his visits were all in the late afternoon, before his new, self- imposed curfew kicked in, but after he'd gotten through one or two naps.  
  
Despite the amount of sleep he regained by his efforts, it was all poor quality, blinks in which time passed, and he was almost more tired when he awoke.  
  
Now Sano spent most of his waking time brooding, or with Katsu. His friend knew something was bothering Sanosuke, but was sympathetic enough not to pry. Katsu spent enough of his own time brooding that he must have assumed they both had the same reasons for a dark attitude.  
  
But Sanosuke knew it wasn't the state of the government or even his constant fatigue that depressed him; it was the continuous feeling of something missing from his life.  
  
At first, he'd assumed it was the loss of adventure, of fighting, that had left a hole. But he'd realized boredom was only part of the problem. He decided the key to understanding his problems was in his dreams, which must be trying to show him what he missed in life. Unfortunately, he didn't understand their message, or the form in which they chose to deliver it.  
  
It wasn't the sex he missed, he was certain. That had never been a focal point in his life, and nothing kept him from it now but the dreams themselves, as they sapped his enthusiasm for the act. He couldn't imagine a person who would inspire such fantasies and longing either; almost everyone he cared for was still with him, and those that weren't, he wasn't sexually interested in anyway. Sanosuke could understand dreams being an insight into the mind, but he was confused about why his were this particular kind of dream.  
  
Sano did know the dreams were about a person, the same person as well, a mysterious stranger. He also remembered there was something odd and important about the person, but he could never recall what it was. He worried it was something so terrible that he was suppressing his memories on purpose. He would be horrified to learn he was dreaming about jou-chan, who was like his sister. Or Yahiko, a small child and a boy.  
  
Of course, if he was as far gone as to be dreaming about a male--an intriguing possibility he both was and wasn't altogether comfortable with-- he could just as well be harbouring any kind of bizarre lust. Sano considered his infatuation might centre on Chou, the aggravating broom head from Shishio's forces. Or his estranged father, or Kenshin, or even the glorious emperor of Japan himself. Perhaps he was even narcissistically fixated on himself, endlessly fantasizing lewd and erotic variations on masturbation.  
  
He realized the possibilities were too diverse and disturbing to be true. Something else was causing his forgetfulness. He wondered if he was afraid, or just horny.  
  
Sanosuke dragged himself out of the river, exhausted and aggravated by his circular and unproductive thoughts. He put on his dried clothes quickly, and tried to convince himself the problem would go away if he exercised at little more willpower over his subconscious. He would go insane if he had to keep doing this every night and morning, but the dreams weren't showing any sign of going away on their own. They were pleasant, at least. He smiled; indeed the dreams were very pleasant. If only he could remember more than just general leftover emotions instead of specific acts, the whole thing would be much less frustrating and almost enjoyable. Providing the dreams weren't actually about Chou.  
  
Sano ran a hand through his wet hair and grimaced as he realized he'd forgotten to take off his bandana and now it was soaked. He was tiring of spending his day damp; mildew was becoming a concern.  
  
Folding the blanket and tucking it under his arm, Sano headed back to town to spend another day with Katsu. He promised himself that tonight he would sleep all the way through, no dreams at all. It should be easy, because he was tired enough for it. All he needed was stronger resolve, and a little bit of luck.  
  
*~*~* 


	2. Part Two: chapter one

Part Two: Morning Has Broken  
  
Chapter One  
  
June 1879 - 11th year of the Meiji Era (over three months later)  
  
Sanosuke moped around his little house, alternately yawning and kicking ineffectually at the floor. Katsu had disappeared a few days ago to meet a contact and follow up on a lead, abandoning him to his own company. Sano loved his friend, and admired all the dangerous work Katsu did, but it was inconvenient to be without the only person who didn't drive him insane with worry and nagging.  
  
Sanosuke sighed and flopped down onto the dirty wooden floor, then got back up and started walking again. It was only early afternoon, long after his hated early morning bathing ritual, and he was already bored out of his mind. He'd tried going to the dojo, but some nutcase, who had taken a disliking to Yahiko, had recently forced Kenshin into a fight. The outcome of the battle had been in Kenshin's favour, but in obeying his vow not to kill, he had ended up getting a semi-serious injury.  
  
Sano had heard all about the incident from Tae, and although he'd truly wanted to check in and make sure Kenshin was okay, he'd also selfishly supposed the stir over the rurouni's health would distract attention from his own zombie-ish appearance.  
  
He was disappointed to learn that even though his prediction of the situation was right, it had not made the incessant weeping of Kaoru, fawning of Megumi, and general exuberance of Yahiko any less annoying. So, after confirming Kenshin hadn't gained any lasting scars from his fight, Sano had removed himself from the busy and loud world of the dojo and returned home for a nap.  
  
The week previous, he had tried visiting Megumi at the clinic. Once away from Kenshin, she was much less calculating and irritating--competition brought out the worst in her--but, in the role of doctor, she was just as prying. He had fled in the face of her direct and shrewd questions about his health and his distinct change in attitude over the past year.  
  
So now, Sano was bored, edgy, and wearing clichéd ruts into the floorboards. He would have liked to sleep, but it was early enough after his most recent dream that he still felt pumped with a strange alertness and restlessness.  
  
On an impulse, he felt like going into town, losing a little money, downing several drinks, and picking a fight with any man who could stand without the aid of a wall or drunken buddy. At least if he were plastered he would have a reason to act oddly. Maybe if he were lucky he would even pass out. Of course, Sanosuke knew that if he fell asleep or passed out while still in the bar or on the street, there was a good chance he would end up with his purse and throat slit.  
  
It bothered him that he, a strong young man fully capable of taking care of himself, should have such concerns, when they'd never troubled him in the past. As he thought about the rest of the old life he'd lost to his own subconscious, the other things he was prevented from doing because he couldn't control himself while asleep, he found himself becoming angry. The injustice that so much he cherished could be made unbearable because he was a little tired was ludicrous and unfair. But he was helpless, he hadn't found a single way to force his body to sleep properly, and out of his confused frustration came fury.  
  
The building anger and pent-up energy filled him like a good old-fashioned adrenaline rush. He realized his hands were shaking, as well as the rest of his body, and the strange familiarity of the situation shocked him.  
  
Sanosuke knew this feeling, this trembling, giddy madness; it used to keep him alive. This was the feeling of a fight waiting to happen. He had survived on this feeling for years, loved it more than getting drunk, eating a good meal, or finding a decent lucky streak. Those had been the in-betweens, the stuff he did while waiting for the next tough guy--the heart of life had been the feeling of hard skin giving way under harder knuckles, always with the image in mind of a unknown man wielding a gun. Most of the time, he'd even loved the fight more than winning it, although they often accompanied each other.  
  
But living on his fists and anger was something he'd given up long before his first early morning surprise. And he'd given it up willingly, after a tiny redhead who packed a hard hit had shown him his grudge wasn't everything it was cracked up to be. Going out to bust the skull of some idiot would never have a clue about what a real fight really looked like--a fight between men who truly understood the beauty and terror of battle--was no longer very appetizing to Sano, no matter what his body was telling him.  
  
He really only wanted the life he'd been given by Kenshin, which had been short lived, but satisfying. He wanted to be the friend and companion of the noblest spirit to ever hold a sword. To mix with the greatest and most terrible men of his country's newest era. To be a champion, fighting alongside or against those men. Not to go silently crazy in a tiny room where he should have been sleeping peacefully. Not to be shying from the outside world because he couldn't get a decent night's rest.  
  
All at once, the desperation of his plight struck him. It was too much to handle in the tiny space of his home, and he snapped and ran.  
  
Like before, when he had been walking the length of his home, the forward motion gave a linear sense to his turbulent thinking, giving him the ability to focus only on his movement and not depressing tangents. Only now, he was actually traveling somewhere. Quickly too, out of the city. He tried to laugh at his peculiar behaviour, his manic reaction, but he couldn't run and do that at the same time, so he decided he'd rather be moving than collapsed shaking on the roadside.  
  
He didn't even know which way he was headed as his feet took him farther from urban areas and into forest, eyes aimed at the ground so he wouldn't trip over a root and kill himself. Arms and legs pumping at a frantic pace, he couldn't decide whether he was running away or chasing something. And when he finally fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around the trunk of a tree for support, his breaths were like sobs.  
  
Then Sanosuke experienced the strangest moment, among all the other strange part of his life. He was so concentrated on the breath in his tortured lungs and the burning of his legs, arms, and heart that he found the dark thoughts had stopped. He was free for a moment and it was as if he had dumped off a weighted cloak to discover his ankles were winged. The strangely poetic and wholly bizarre turn his mind was taking almost made him cry, but the moment of clarity was enough for him to reconcile some of his sleep-deprived agony.  
  
He suddenly thought his friends showing how much they loved him wasn't a bad thing, and he wondered if he had hurt them through his withdrawal. Also, that he should probably show more interest in Katsu's work, because he really was doing amazing things for people and deserved acknowledgment. Sanosuke knew he should ask Megumi for help instead of avoiding her, she was a doctor after all, and maybe his insomnia was a medical issue she could help remedy. Even if not, she at least deserved the chance to try, for all the hard work she'd put in on Sano's behalf in the past.  
  
Amidst all these sappy ponderings, he took advantage of his calmed state to go back to the dreams, which he'd almost forgotten in his madness.  
  
There was no disquiet or anger in him now. It was only the symptoms of confusion and fear that had made his life a living hell. Without them, the dreams weren't threatening at all.  
  
He slowly began to remember snippets of the fantasies, tiny puzzle pieces his mind started to fit together. He realized it had been the exact same dream every night. Bit by bit, the dream came back to him and he discovered the secret picture lost at each wakening.  
  
There was never any true setting in the dream, just mist around darkness. The entire time he would feel another presence, strong and powerful, but not fearful in the least. It was comfortable instead, more like something meant to be. The presence made perfect sense, and there was total trust.  
  
Strong arms wrapped around him in the dream. Male arms, but Sano had come to terms with that possibility already, months ago.  
  
Along with the arms came a bitter and familiar smell, carried on the breath of his companion. One unique to the unidentified man alone. Also, rough and strange clothing, and rough and gentle hands would touch every part of his body at once. Soft hair Sano could remember feeling under his hands, incorporeal dream or not. And that sense of rightness pervading every moment.  
  
Most of all, he recalled eyes blazing like the sun rising over water. At the same point in every dream, Sano would look into his shadow-lover's face and the eyes would open and stare into him. It was as if someone had painted over a fire, leaving only two spaces for the light to burn through, an impossible container for an uncontainable inferno that should have burned away the man and Sano too.  
  
The dream and the passion would then become so intense Sano wouldn't be able to bear it and he would wake. It was the loss of that feeling of right and perfection that had been so terrible to face in the early morning hours. But now Sano was comforted with the memory of it. Even as his moment of clarity drifted beyond recapture, he sat in the middle of unknown woods with the world righted in his heart.  
  
Memory regained, though details fading, as always happens with dreams, the pause in his insanity over and mind and heartbeat already slowing to normal, Sanosuke finally knew the secret of his sleep that had ruined his waking hours. And everything was going to be all right.  
  
As he sat next to the tree, retrieving his sanity and his life, a year of sleeplessness and a day of madness and an hour of sprinting caught him up and laid him down on the ground where he promptly fell asleep.  
  
*~*~* 


	3. Part Two: chapter two

Part Two: Morning Has Broken  
  
Chapter Two  
  
June 1879 - 11th year of the Meiji Era (the next day)  
  
Sanosuke was shivering, covered in dew, when he woke with his legs numb and a twig poking him in the back. Curled against the tree he'd ambushed the afternoon before, the bark had rubbed his cheek raw. But it didn't matter, because his elation was uncontainable.  
  
"Yes! Fuck you, dreams!" he yelled to the birds, as they flew away in fright.  
  
Sano had slept well for the first time in over a year. Any dreams he'd had were normal: fragmented and nonsensical. There was no burning emptiness, no great questioning, and no intolerable and maddening loss. No dried ejaculate itching his legs, he realized with a blush.  
  
His body felt good, if slightly cramped, and he stretched out his arms and legs before flopping down like a dead fish. He lay on the ground, basking in sunbeams, yawns, and all that good morning stuff, until other thoughts drifted into his mind.  
  
"So, all along it's been that damned bastard cop keepin' me up at night. Fuckin' Saitou."  
  
He frowned; both at his revelation, and because he had yet to get out of the habit of talking to himself--something he'd picked up during his bouts of isolation. He reminded himself there was no longer a reason so break the monotony of silence with his own voice; with the dreams revealed, he could work through their meaning and be done with them forever.  
  
Turning his thought back to the dreams, Sano now could remember clearly the black hair, bright eyes, and gloved hands of Saitou Hajime--psycho copper and dream-stalker extraordinaire.  
  
Bafflement was his choice reaction to situation. He detested the man, had always felt that way, with never once a stirring of affection, much less attraction. Certainly, Sanosuke was pleased his bizarre lust wasn't aimed at Kaoru or Yahiko, but he couldn't decide if Saitou was any better. However, he did hesitantly admit that the man could be considered attractive in a strange, insect-like kind of way.  
  
At this thought, Sano rolled onto his side and laughed into his hands. He wondered if he wasn't still a little crazy.  
  
Overall, it was better than it could have been. He wasn't insane anymore, and his life was about to start again. He didn't care if he had the hots for a murderous, sadistic, dead--  
  
"Oh fuck."  
  
Sano stopped laughing and groaned; he suddenly realized his subconscious was obsessed with a dead guy. A charred corpse lying under a smoldering ruin because he'd been too damned stubborn to jump a gorge.  
  
"Bastard probably just didn't want to mess up his hair or drop his goddamned cigarette."  
  
Conscious!Sanosuke was okay with that; he really couldn't fathom his attraction to the man anyway. But subconscious!Sano was going to throw a hissy fit when he learned he couldn't have the object of his desire because said object was passed on, no more, had ceased to be, expired, was bereft of life, etc.  
  
"Dammit, who falls for a ghost? It ain't like there's any hope the asshole is still alive." He was ready to rip up a tree in his frustration, but suddenly a small bit of doubt formed. "Except-- Shishio's fortress was stuffed with secret passages and confusin' hallways. Mighta even been more than one exit. If Chou told it straight when he said Anji, smilin' boy, and Shishio's lapdog made it out, maybe Saitou escaped too. . ."  
  
Sanosuke remembered the way Saitou had cut down the doors during their escape; despite his injuries, he'd been the strongest among them. Also, he'd made comments, just before disappearing into the hazy smoke of certain death, about how he'd seen worse situations, which he'd obviously lived through. It almost seemed possible that the man could have survived the burning collapse of the mountain.  
  
Sanosuke snorted. He wondered if perhaps Saitou had simply ordered the flames to let him pass, deeming them unworthy to kill one such as him. It would have been typical of his arrogance.  
  
But aside from that, there was no rational reason for why Sano would dream about the man, especially in the particular way he had been. He'd hated the man, respected his abilities, maybe admired parts of his personality, but nothing that would ever inspire the odd combined feeling of trust/love/perfection like had been found in the dream. Sanosuke could barely even recall how the emotion had felt, only remembered remembering how nice it was.  
  
"Damn it!" Sano took his anger out on his tree.  
  
"Do I still like chicks?" Picturing the most beautiful woman he could think of, he concluded he was still enchanted with the feminine gender. "Other guys?"  
  
Even though he'd considered the possibility before, he hadn't thought about it much. He'd always thought some guys looked hot, but in the past he'd assumed it was just a natural assessment of the competition, now it seemed like something more.  
  
"Dammit, I'm just really fuckin' horny is what you're tellin' me!" Sano growled. "Fine, I like the sneaky bastard. And if I don't make a decision on this soon, my dick is gonna to make it for me, and that ain't good. I'll bet he really is alive, just to fuckin' spite me."  
  
He scratched his ass and shifted his legs in discomfort. "This sucks. I wish I was fuckin' drunk already. Or poundin' the shit outta somethin'."  
  
He realized he'd begun talking to himself again, and petulantly slammed his mouth shut. Despite the good beginning, things were going rapidly downhill. He decided it was time to get out of the woods.  
  
It wasn't until Sano picked himself up off the ground and started walking home that he realized he was lost.  
  
"Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Goddammit. Fuck!" His litany continued as he picked a random direction.  
  
He concentrated on not going in circles until he made his way out of the woods and asked a genial-looking farmer for directions. After the man guided him to a road that led straight back into Tokyo, Sanosuke returned his thoughts to more important things.  
  
It seemed that the best thing do to would be verify Saitou's well being-- though moment by moment, Sano became more convinced that his rival was definitely alive. He also concluded that if his dreams were pointing in that direction, he might as well try to find Saitou, if only to satisfy his curiosity. Possibly, after finding the man, the lunacy of the situation would merely be confirmed, and Sanosuke could walk away laughing at his subconscious's ineptitude.  
  
He smirked and scooped a handful of pebbles off the road. To relieve his boredom he began chucking them, one by one, down the road. His mind drifted back to the previous day, to the warm feelings he'd found in a totally unexpected place. Part of him, small but growing, was wondering what it would be like to see if the dreams hadn't been wrong, if he could get those feelings back for a little bit. But practicality interrupted again. "How am I gonna find the prick anyway? Did he play dead from everyone? Maybe if I ask the melon-head police chief-- Wait a minute, I know another cop who definitely has the inside information!"  
  
Sano crushed one of the pebbles between his fingers as he imagined it was Chou's bristled head.  
  
"Dammit, he knew everythin' that went on with the whole deal. I'll bet that one-eyed jerk already knew Saitou was alive when he visited us at the Shirobeko."  
  
But he was sure Chou wouldn't tell him anything, the guy liked tormenting him too much. He tried to think of someone else who would know about Saitou's current health and location.  
  
"Katsu knows his government shit, and with a lead like this he'd probably find something, but it would be dangerous for him to get involved, and kinda embarrassin' if I hadda tell him why. Misao and Aoshi keep track of almost everythin' in Kyoto, only it takes to fuckin' long to walk there. Now Kenshin, that's a possibility. . ."  
  
His friend certainly knew enough about Saitou, especially things most people wouldn't. Using that inside info, Sano could track the cop down and prove himself at the same time.  
  
Kenshin was so dazed most of the time, and so trusting, that a little slick maneuvering meant he wouldn't even think to question Sano's motives. A perfect plan. Sanosuke chucked the rest of his stones down the road to celebrate.  
  
"OW!" The cry came from the approximate landing place of the rocks, behind a rise in the road.  
  
"Aw shit, who would just stand about on a road waitin' to get hit by somethin'? Dumbass."  
  
Sano jogged down the road to determine the damage. To the side was a tiny old woman, covered in dirt, rubbing a hand against her head. A large wagon with a broken wheel tilted on the road beside her.  
  
"Hey grandmother, you okay?"  
  
She didn't respond, just looked dismally at the wagon.  
  
"Old woman, what's wrong already?"  
  
She finally looked up.  
  
"I'm not old. Or a woman."  
  
Sano scratched his head. "Oh. Whoops, from behind you looked. . . Why are you dirty?"  
  
The little man glared at him. "Could have asked."  
  
"Hey, I said I was sorry. But about the dirt, did you fall off the wagon?"  
  
"Haven't touched a bottle in years. Mind helping me? Wagon threw a wheel and tossed me to the ground."  
  
"Course! Watch this." Sano hoisted up the wagon, grabbed the wheel, and jammed it back on. "Hah! Good as ever! Wait. . . How are you pullin' this thing? Horse?"  
  
The man climbed onto the wagon. "A little, was shouting at the kids this morning. Hey, after such a quick job with that, want to help me get this into Tokyo? Let the horse loose to get water and the dang thing bolted."  
  
Sano obliged, grabbing the back of the wagon and setting off down the road. "Huh, this is kinda heavy. What do you have?"  
  
"Had the flu a little while ago, but I got better. Hurry up now, fruit's going to start to go bad if it has to wait another day to be sold."  
  
Sanosuke smothered a laugh at the strange fellow. He'd take this guy into town, then track down Kenshin. After that, he'd be on his way to find that cop. What happened after that was his choice, and he was beginning to think that he had a couple of really good options.  
  
*~*~* 


	4. Part Three: chapter three

Part Three: Pipe Dreams  
  
Chapter Three  
  
October 1879 - 11th year of the Meiji Era (four months later)  
  
Saitou found him perched on the railing of the bridge into town, tossing rocks into the river. "Moron. There are easier ways to fish."  
  
Sanosuke looked around at him, but without surprise. "Hm, you made it finally. The rumour about you comin' back has been goin' around for a few months already."  
  
"The government can't keep any secrets from your reporter friend, then? Maybe he is slightly too nosy."  
  
"You wouldn't go after Katsu, you both got the same agenda."  
  
"Maybe, but I am more discreet."  
  
Sano grimaced. "Oh yeah, real discreet. What exactly was the purpose of playin' dead?"  
  
Saitou chuckled. "You have been thinking about me so much. I wasn't aware of this obsessive side of you."  
  
"You always tell the cruelest jokes."  
  
Saitou reflected for a few moments before responding. "Hn. You have grown up. I didn't think it possible."  
  
"Yeah, well, had to happen sometime. But it didn't have nothin' to do with you, old man. I forgot about you a while back."  
  
"You feel the need to inform me of this? Seems like you're reaching."  
  
Sanosuke slid off the railing. "Nothin' like that. You're just so arrogant, and I changed so much, I don't want you thinkin' it had anythin' to do with you. I haven't done much good stuff all by myself lately, and I'm takin' full credit for this."  
  
Saitou smiled, slightly. "You are more comprehensible when you don't swear every other word."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
"I doubt you could manage it."  
  
"Do you have to be an asshole?"  
  
"I am what I am, and will always be so."  
  
"That's cowardly." Sano's tone had an edge.  
  
"Is it?"  
  
"If you're hidin' behind it, yeah!"  
  
"Am I?"  
  
Sano threw the rest of his stones into the water. "Do you ever stop askin' questions?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Sano held his peace shortly, before speaking again. "Well?"  
  
Saitou sighed and adjusted his cap. "Allow me to explain. In a conversation between two people, traditionally, they take turns speaking to each other on the same subject. After one speaks the other responds. They alternate--"  
  
"Dammit! I know how to talk! You're the one who threw everythin' off track with your dumb questions."  
  
"Are you certain?"  
  
Infuriated, Sanosuke pushed past Saitou, and headed for Kaoru's dojo.  
  
"If you have changed so much, why is your temper still out of control?"  
  
Sano stopped, and then turned to face Saitou, who was walking toward him. "Any man would get pissed tryin' to put up with your arrogant bullshit. Why are you even back in Tokyo anyway?"  
  
"You really have been obsessing over me, haven't you?" Saitou stopped short of Sanosuke, and changed to his smiling face.  
  
"Fuckin' hell! I already told you I don't give a fuck, I'm just fuckin' curious!"  
  
Saitou stopped smiling and reverted to his normal scowl. "Calm down, idiot. You were doing better before."  
  
"Whatever, just answer my question for once."  
  
"There are numerous reasons. Some confidential, others personal, none of which I will share with you in any detail. Are you satisfied?"  
  
Sano shrugged. "Sure. I don't want your whole life or nothin', just basic respect. That's not so hard, right?"  
  
"You have not proven yourself worthy of much respect. But you say you've changed? Are you still using your head to bash things in, or do you think with it now?"  
  
"You and your damned questions."  
  
"I answered yours, it is polite to answer mine."  
  
Sano clenched his fists. "You asked twice as many!"  
  
"Fool. Most of them were rhetorical."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
They faced off until Saitou sighed with ironic melodrama. "Must I instruct you again in the art of conversation?"  
  
"Dammit, shut up already, bastard."  
  
Saitou reached out and rapped Sano on the head. "You have slipped again. Control yourself."  
  
Sanosuke gritted his teeth, but spoke calmly. "I ain't sure how you expect me to get educated or anythin', but as for fightin'? Well, there haven't been a lot of fights to fight in lately. Things settle down more every year, so I haven't learned any new techniques. Ass-kickin' is a way of the past."  
  
"So bitter, so young. Is there no hope?"  
  
"Yeah, well, no one takes a street punk like me seriously if I try and join the cops, or anythin' like that. Am I supposed to spend all my time pickin' bar fights for practice?"  
  
"Hn."  
  
Sano shook his head. "Man, you're even sarcastic when you grunt."  
  
Saitou laughed, mockingly. "How do you spend your time then, if not brawling and boozing?"  
  
"Hey, I still drink, I just don't get completely plastered anymore. And I got a job." He smiled. "Told you I changed."  
  
"Do you demolish forests for the Western industrialists with your Futae no Kiwami?"  
  
"You're really amused by all this, aren't you?"  
  
"Of course. Why else would I still be here? I'm waiting for you to prove your claim of reform." Saitou crossed his arms.  
  
"You really are a bastard."  
  
Scowling, Saitou replied, "You should be more respectful if you wish me to respect you."  
  
"That works both ways! Stop callin' me names, and I'll do the same."  
  
"I only insult you when you earn it."  
  
"Yeah, well, what's the difference?"  
  
"My insults aptly address your intelligence, you rudely question my lineage. Is your employer such a patient soul that he tolerates foul language?"  
  
Sanosuke snorted. "My 'employer' wouldn't figure out that you insulted him even if you wrote it on his house."  
  
"He would have to be so dense to hire a hot-tempered ruffian, I suppose."  
  
"Hey! Shimohira-san is just flaky, he ain't stupid."  
  
"A name, finally. What do you do for this Shimohira-san?"  
  
"Why are you interrogatin' me, don't you have better things to do?"  
  
Saitou shook his head. "Are you going to break off into another conversation every time I ask a question?"  
  
"Answer mine first."  
  
"I already explained this to you, I'm responding to your challenge that you have matured. I wish to find out if you are worth my time."  
  
"I pull his wagon."  
  
Saitou didn't reply right away, but smothered a laugh. "I see. . ."  
  
"Dammit, don't sound so amused! I'm better at it then his horse was, is all."  
  
"Really."  
  
Sano twitched. "Screw you, stop takin' it the wrong way! I mean I literally pull his wagon. He's a farmer. I ran into him on the road a few months back. His horse had gotten loose, so he asked me for help. He was real impressed with how quick I got him into Tokyo, and hired me full time."  
  
"Beast of burden is a unique career choice."  
  
"Asshole."  
  
"Hn. At least that one is more truthful."  
  
Sanosuke blinked, then laughed. "I didn't know you could be cruel about yourself too. So? Do I pass your test?"  
  
"Who said it was over?"  
  
"Dammit, what else do you wanna know, you pryin' old prick?"  
  
Saitou's eyes hardened again. "Caution."  
  
"Calm down, I'll play nice."  
  
"Hn."  
  
There was silence until Saitou spoke again. "Your newfound self-control and responsibility, what caused these changes?"  
  
Sano's face blanked. "What do you mean?"  
  
"The last time I paid attention to you, it seemed highly unlikely you would ever mature. You were set in your ways of sloth and insolence. A weak- willed punk."  
  
Sano's eyes sparked. "Hey! I wasn't that bad!"  
  
"Yet you acknowledge that you've changed."  
  
"Stuff happens, life happens." Sano became resigned again.  
  
"You didn't have the happiest life before this time, so what caused the shadow of adulthood to appear now?"  
  
Sano smiled, even though his eyes still contained a flicker of sadness. "Man, you're really into all this, aren't you? Was I really that stubborn, you didn't think I'd ever change?"  
  
"Don't flatter yourself. I'm curious, not obsessed. Like yourself."  
  
"Whatever. You really wanna know?"  
  
Saitou raised an eyebrow. "I don't usually waste so much time on something I don't mean to pursue to the end."  
  
"You got me there, I guess. Well, the truth is. . . It's personal."  
  
Saitou nodded. "I accept that."  
  
"Will wonders ever cease?"  
  
"Now who's sarcastic?"  
  
"Was that rhetorical?"  
  
"Do you even know the meaning of that word?"  
  
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"  
  
"Cute."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Saitou smirked and began walking. Sano called out to him, "Oi! Where you headed?"  
  
"Kamiya dojo."  
  
Sanosuke trotted to catch up with him. "You ain't gonna make trouble for Kenshin or nothin', right? I might be outta practice, but I'll bet I can still kick your ass."  
  
"Still? Do you think I'm senile?"  
  
"Hey, you are pretty damned old."  
  
"Hn."  
  
Sano grabbed Saitou's shoulder and forced him to stop. "I'm serious, don't mess around with Kenshin."  
  
Saitou raised an eyebrow at Sano's forcefulness. "Calm yourself. My new position is likely permanent, so I need to make arrangements with Himura, for both our sakes. I won't harm your friends, or disturb the tranquil environment of the Kamiya school. You have my word." Saitou removed Sano's hand and continued walking.  
  
Sano caught up with him again. "You got talkative quick. Must be because you ain't suckin' on one of those nasty cigarettes. What happened to those?"  
  
Saitou's form stiffened. "I quit smoking."  
  
"Really? Wow, that's somethin' I didn't expect."  
  
"It isn't any of your business."  
  
Saitou's terse reply ended the conversation and confused Sano.  
  
As both men continued walking, Sanosuke realized Saitou had changed as well in the year and a half since he'd seen him. Curiosity piqued, Sano was tempted to press the topic of the cigarettes, but he'd learned well enough the importance of secrets. Also, leaving well enough alone was a habit he had become very familiar with--some things just weren't worth it.  
  
*~*~* 


	5. Part Three: chapter four

Part Three: Pipe Dreams  
  
Chapter Four  
  
January 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (less than three months later)  
  
"Nothin's allowed to be easy with you, is it? You asshole." Sano slammed his door into place, rattling the screen in its tracks. His home was cool with the winter's draft that seeped through thin walls. "I fought you and you mocked me. I trained, and you told me it wasn't enough. I fought a friend and nearly got killed by him, and you treated me like a fuckin' infant."  
  
Sano pounded his fists on the floor. "Every time we met, you challenged me, and I failed. I couldn't fuckin' stop failin' 'cause it was your out- dated standards I hadda meet!  
  
"I thought I knew how to improve, I taught myself everythin' before didn't I? But then you pulled your dyin' stunt before I even gotta damned chance."  
  
Sanosuke was fully enraged, pacing the floor. "But I moved on! I have a lotta practice with that, you see, so I'm good at it. I move on better than I fight, and I fight better than you think.  
  
"I knew what I hadda do, I hadda surpass you and your fuckin' expectations. I needed to move on farther than ever, to a place where you couldn't fuckin' touch me." His voice broke.  
  
"I did it, of course. I forgot about you. Most of me did. Except at night, because every night you came back. Couldn't leave me alone, eh?" Sano's sarcasm was desperate.  
  
"The dreams started in July, not that long after you disappeared. I thought they'd go away, or that I could learn to live with them, but they took over. Do you know what it's like to not sleep more than a few hours every fuckin' night? For a year? It fucks up your head. And I didn't even know they were about you at first." Sano slumped against his wall for support and sat down. He wasn't crying, though. He would never cry about this.  
  
He was glad he'd run out of money for lamp oil; the dark made the room safer for his confession. "But I don't go down easy, even you'll admit that. When I found out it was you causin' my dreams, I knew I hadda fuckin' track you down and put an end to the bullshit. It was like a vision from the gods, I thought. A message tellin' me how to defeat your ghost. Except it wasn't, it was just one more chance for you to screw me over."  
  
Sano wanted sake, or anything alcoholic, to make it easier to forget and fall asleep. But he needed this, he'd been holding too much in lately. He needed to clear his mind, even if he did have to keep his voice down for privacy.  
  
He spoke lowly, "I thought Kenshin would tell me everythin' I needed to know, but he said more than I ever fuckin' wanted to hear. My plan was to find you, exorcise your demon, and maybe get a piece of you while I was at it. The gods were tellin' me about the one advantage I could get over you, and I fell for it.  
  
"It was a dumb, half-assed idea, but I was crazy, and lonely too. Half of me knew it woulda been so sweet, though, to walk up to you, charm you, and leave you. And the other half of me was just cryin' out for any attention from you. Yeah, that part was there. That part had fuckin' fallen in love with you--isn't that a riot? Not that I let myself admit any of that shit." Humiliation burned in his chest and face.  
  
"If I'd done it? Found you, and fucked you, maybe? I probably woulda ended up hurtin' myself. But I wasn't thinkin' of that at the time. All I was thinkin' of was how much I needed to find you." Now he wanted the sake bottle to smash it against the wall.  
  
The snow on his shoes had melted, freezing his feet even more, and he realized he'd forgotten to take them off. He did now, throwing them at the door, leaving a wet dirt streak on panels. "It seemed right, a lotta goddamned things seemed right. The part of me that wanted you would get you--I'd figure out a way to make it happen--and then the sane part of me would walk away. But I needed to find you first.  
  
"Kenshin told me about you all right, even told me enough about your past to start trackin' you down, gave me some good ideas where to start. He didn't think it was strange I was askin' him; he thought you were probably alive too. He said he'd been 'dumbfounded' when he'd learned what'd happened to you in Shishio's fortress.  
  
"Kenshin's theory was you didn't wanna have anythin' more to do with us-- with him, after he'd served his purpose, and fakin' death was a convenient way to keep us outta your life.  
  
"He didn't want me goin' after you, didn't want me to get hurt in a fight, but he was worried about my head too. He said if findin' you would 'help rid my eyes of their haunted look,' I should try it."  
  
Sano started laughing to himself. "I guess Kenshin is smarter than me, he knew what was buggin' me the whole fuckin' time. You know what he said that was the most helpful though? He suggested I might wanna try and find your wife."  
  
Sano slammed the floor again. He had stopped laughing. "Oh yeah, almost forgot about her, almost completely fuckin' forgot she existed. The illustrious Mrs. Tokio, who must be Buddha for the patience of her heart with a husband havin' a whole damn country as his mistress. Is she really a nice lady? Gee, wish I'd fuckin' got to know her. Of course, you wouldn't wanna expose her to a worthless piece of shit like me, now would you? So maybe you made the right choice."  
  
Sano slapped his forehead in angry mock disbelief. "What am I sayin'? Of course you did it right! How could you do fuckin' wrong? That's the cruelest part of it, you didn't fuck me up; I did it to myself. I pinned all these goddamned hopes on you, so no wonder I got screwed over.  
  
"What was my problem anyway? Thinkin' about you, thinkin' I could get to you. Thinkin' you could respect me, maybe like me. I really was a dreamer.  
  
"Of course, my plans changed when learned about her, your darlin' wife. For some reason, you didn't strike me as the adulterous type. I thought for a bit that maybe I could still try and find you--for a fight--but what fuckin' good would that do? Shit, I was bein' a dumbass in the first place, to wanna look for your sorry ass at all."  
  
The darkness of his room was less comforting now, his imagination roamed and he felt as if he could be anywhere, in any darkened place. He wanted to be back in his first home; in the tiny room shared with his little sister. There had been comfort and familiarity, which was why he'd left in the first place, to carve out a new familiarity, a new family that would comfort, but not constrain. He was still looking.  
  
"They were only dreams, I'd forgot that too. I was bein' naïve and stupid, so I guess I made you right again. Wait, is that how it works? I make you right? If it's me doin' it, then I guess the only fuckin' thing I gotta do to beat you is to beat myself. No wonder I got such a huge headache."  
  
Rubbing his head, Sano went to his little cupboard, given to him by Megumi for a holiday he couldn't remember. He took his last bit of lamp oil, and lit the lamp, casting light and shadows through the room, highlighting his sole possessions of the cupboard, the lamp, and his bed.  
  
"You're a stubborn bastard yourself, though. I don't think I've ever hadda forget about one person so many times in my whole damned life. But hey, practice makes perfect. I'd gotten stung by you again, but it was another lesson learned. The new plan was to make myself so goddamned tired, no dreams could get through." Sano made himself comfortable in front of his lamp, to watch the cheap entertainment of shadow play on the walls.  
  
"That's when I picked up the job with Shimohira-san. He's glad for the help. Even a loony old fart like him, keepin' dogs as kids, knows when the work's too much for one man. It ain't even a bad job. It keeps me in shape, and doin' somethin' worthwhile, like Kenshin. Besides, Shimohira- san doesn't pay half bad for a loony old fart." The wind had picked up and was now whistling tunelessly along the side of the house.  
  
Sano's voice grew even quieter and the flickering light distracted his eyes. "Everyone was so surprised. They all thought I'd been plannin' to leave; I was too antsy to stay in Tokyo. For me to settle down was the last thing they expected, after I'd spent so long drawin' away from them. Megumi was absolutely speechless when I told her I'd got a job." Sano grinned, a mischevious glint in his eyes, as his hands made a shadow fox puppet run across the floor, only to have his own shadow swallow it up.  
  
"Things got better, life got better. Of course it did, I was already at the very bottom. There wasn't no more worse to get. I started drinkin' again, found a few nice women, even thought about a nice man or two, but I didn't wanna bring back memories by accident. It was peaceful. I gotta remember to ask you, have you noticed the peace? Great for guys like Kenshin, but it must be hell for you. I'd hate peace and quiet too, I bet, if I had any." Sano's face darkened.  
  
"I almost did, and it was borin' as hell. In a nice way, I mean. But shit like that don't last 'til you've paid too much for it. I guess I'm still payin', because it sure didn't take too fuckin' long for the rumours to start tricklin' in." Sano pulled at the splintery floorboards, collecting wood fibres. "It was just drunk talk at first, a great new cop was comin' in from Kyoto to clean out our bars and brothels, make everythin' look nice for the rich foreigners. A real high and mighty asshole, supposedly. I knew it was you. So did Kenshin.  
  
"He came to me, wantin' to know what I was gonna do. It'd bothered him that I never did anythin' after askin' about you. Maybe because I just walked out on him after he spilled your secret--I never did explain that. I told him not to worry. He still did, of course, but he didn't bring it up again." Sano held the bits of wood over the flame, watching them. "I just went on like usual, ignorin' the rumours. I got ears of solid rock when I want to. But then Katsu brought home the name "Fujita Gorou," and I couldn't pretend like before. Not after hearin' the first solid proof you were alive. No more delusions. I finally hadda fantasy goin' that worked for me, and you just ripped it away."  
  
The wood danced and burned in his fingers. "Damn!" Sano dropped the wood into the lamp and sucked on the scorched skin. He tore off some of his bandages to use them on his hand. "It was almost as bad as before. I kept livin' every day just waitin' for you to show up and throw everythin' into shit for real. Every day you didn't come was another day I spent imaginin' the worst. That you'd show up and I'd go crazy and throw myself at you. Or I'd pick a fight, you'd kill me, and Kenshin would go berserk. Maybe you would just go right after Kenshin, or jail all my buddies like the fuckin' super-cop you think you are. Maybe you'd even bring her, the missus, just so I'd get to see my dumbest mistake tucked around your damned arm." Sano's fists were clenched, and his eyes burned brighter than the lamp.  
  
"And when you finally did waltz into town, goddamned smirk and all, it was even worse than I'd imagined.  
  
"I remember that day so fuckin' well. Shimohira-san got sick and didn't need me, so I just screwed around 'til my money ran out. I was just passin' time when you showed up. You were finally back, in the fuckin' flesh, and I wished you'd drop dead on the spot. But you didn't, that'd be too easy, after all. What you had to be was friendly." Sano smirked. "Well, maybe not friendly, but you sure as fuck wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted you to piss off and you kept askin' questions. And by the end of it, I was almost dreamin' again, thinkin' maybe you respected me more because I'd grown up."  
  
Sano gritted his teeth and scowled, an unconscious impersonation of an angry Saitou. "And you know what? I was fuckin' right for once! You did respect me a bit more, and it fuckin' interested you. That's always been your goddamned way. You only care about what interests you or what's useful to you. I wasn't ever gonna be useful, but I guess I turned out to be very fuckin' interestin'!"  
  
He smacked the lamp to the side, and a small portion of the floor caught fire. "Fuck!" He threw his jacket over the flames to smother them, cursing his misfortune; then continued speaking harshly under his breath as he kneeled next to the scorched wood. "I tried and I tried, and I did all I fuckin' could to ignore you. I forgot you, I hated you, I thought about gettin' Kenshin to kill you one time, as dumb as that idea was. But nothin' changes the fact that every time I see you, every time we meet in the street or go out to bars, every time that we argue or joke around, every moment that you treat me like a goddamned human being for some fucked- up reason that I don't understand, all I can think of is how nice those dreams were, and how untouchable you are."  
  
Completely in the dark again, Sano's shoulders heaved with his unloosed emotions. "What happened to you? Why did we become friends? You're still an arrogant and self-satisfied bastard, you'll never change, but now I've seen an almost carin' side to you. You've always thought I needed improvin', but you never bothered to be interested before, so why am I good enough for you now? And even though we're practically friends, you won't tell me why you came to Tokyo, why you gave up smokin', or what makes you so sad when you've spent too long thinkin' to yourself. I don't understand you.  
  
"I ask you about this stuff all the time, but you won't say anythin', and it makes me want to hurt you or help you or somethin'. Why, goddammit? Why do I have to like you, when everythin' would be so much easier if I could hate you."  
  
Sano's eyes, adjusted to the dark, looked around his small, empty house. "Fuck it. I'm too tired for this, too tired to act like a crazy person talkin' to someone who ain't even here." He left his jacket lying on the floor, and went to curl up on his bed mat. The new blanket was nice and thick, a gift from Saitou, but he still had to rub his arms to get rid of goose bumps brought on by the cold. He closed his eyes and told himself to sleep, but his mind wasn't quite ready for slumber yet.  
  
He thought about his day, which had been worse than most. By the end of it, he'd been so upset he'd gone home right away, not even stopping off at the police station. It'd been Shimohira's fault; he'd spent the whole day talking about his daughter, who had long ago married and moved away to Osaka.  
  
The old man had babbled on about how happy his darling Eriko had been when she'd first met the man she wanted to marry. She'd come home bursting with the news that her soul mate had appeared to her, and three months later, she'd started living happily as Takeshi Eriko.  
  
Shimohira had stressed, in his roundabout way, his delight that his daughter had found her destined love. He'd hinted about Sano's own love life, saying, "All got someone, even if we don't know it, wouldn't you say?" and had stirred too many regretful feelings with his meddling comments.  
  
Sano would have been only mildly irritated if only his employer hadn't gone on to talk about Tokio, his newest granddaughter. The name, which Sanosuke had sought to obliterate from his mind, always caused his heart to sting, and he spent the remainder of the day trying to get over the upsetting remark. He'd marveled at the new fragility of his world, how the easiest thing could unleash tumultuous emotions and ruin his whole mindset. The newly discovered weakness only served to anger him more. By the time he'd reached his apartment, he'd been exploding with fury. Even when he'd quieted somewhat, the apparent calm had been underlain with violence.  
  
Sano felt sheepish now, for ruining his lamp and floor, and acting insane again. He didn't want his friends to worry, and he certainly didn't want Saitou finding out about his weakness--he'd never hear the end of it.  
  
Although some of his anger had been irrational, he wasn't entirely unjustified. Saitou's invasive memory and Sanosuke's own desires had created a complex situation. Learning about Tokio had hurt him deeply--he hadn't been expecting her at all--and he'd been completely unprepared for the intensity with which it affected him. Although ignoring the problem had worked for a while, Saitou's re-entrance had irrevocably complicated things, and Sano had spent a great deal of time since trying to understand his hatred, admiration, obsession, and even love for the man.  
  
He knew the hatred originally stemmed from Saitou's arrogant and insulting manner. Sano had hated that the man had deemed his best efforts useless and then wouldn't let him improve. The confinement had enraged him, but it had also fueled his admiration. Saitou's strength and ability to put up a good fight had made Sanosuke want to be at his level even more. But because both his hate and admiration had been unrequited and unfulfilling, they'd driven Sano to obsess over the man until he'd finally been able to remove his need for Saitou's approval, a process made easier by Saitou disappearance. Unfortunately, a new element had brought back his hatred, admiration, and obsession, inflaming them far beyond their previous level.  
  
It was his love, also unrequited, forcing Sano into his vicious circle; the other three emotions weren't powerful enough to enslave him in the same way. Hatred was a strong, but negative emotion; it wasn't in his nature to dwell on the negative. Admiration was positive, but it wasn't enough of a passionate or rare emotion to keep him prisoner. He had many people to admire besides Saitou. Without the hate and admiration, the obsession couldn't exist. It was love, ironically, that played cruel tricks on his psyche.  
  
Of all the things confusing him now, his uncertainty of the source of his love was the most confounding. He wondered if its cause might be his hate, admiration, obsession, or a combination of all three, but it seemed unlikely; he'd banished those original feelings long before the love had brought them back.  
  
Another possibility was that physical attraction was the basis for the love. As he'd examined the new dimensions of his sexuality, he'd found he didn't care too much about gender after all; it was contentment with women that had stopped him from exploring. Now his eyes had opened more, but not much had changed as a result anyway.  
  
Saitou did fit in with his taste in men, he'd discovered. Sano had learned he was most attracted to men like himself, which was similar to his taste in women. He wanted a partner who was strong and capable, not childish or excessively feminine. He didn't want someone he'd be tied down to as a protector, but a companion to stand by his side to fight, which was why people like Megumi or Saitou appealed to him. Of course, if someone was close enough to him to feel like family, like Kenshin, Kaoru, or even Katsu, he abhorred the possibility of attraction. Also, too much body hair was a major turn-off.  
  
But mere sexual attraction didn't explain his infatuation either, because Sanosuke simply didn't care about sex enough to let it take over his life. He wasn't wanting for sexual partners, although his love life had yet to improve after the end of the dreams. His current abstinence was a personal choice stemming from being too stressed to even want to get it up. Eleven and a half months of wet dreams and eighteen months of mental turmoil could do that to someone. Even the few exceptions he'd made in the peaceful interims the last few months of his life were more for comfort's sake than lust.  
  
However, getting rid of the causes of emotional imbalance and sexual need left Sanosuke with nothing but fewer possible solutions and a headache. He tried to refocus his attention on the old dreams instead of wasting time on half-articulated psychology.  
  
It was strange that what he recalled of the dream was not the actual sensation, but the accompanying sensations it caused in the waking reality. He remembered remembering a wonderful feeling, but the only actual emotions he could physically remember were the loss and emptiness from waking up.  
  
He did also remember the feeling of freedom, of elation when he'd finally cleared the mist from around him. His hatred of not understanding situations going on around him--the reason the dreams had made him so angry- -had meant that once the mystery had been solved, he was content. Even the mysteries and problems the solution had created seemed trivial because there had been hope that if one answer had been found, others could be. It was the crushing of that hope in the form of an unknown woman, a faceless obstruction, which had been devastating to his heart. Not even having all the bones in your hand crushed to splinters hurts worse than having your hope destroyed.  
  
It wasn't until his heart had been broken that it occurred to Sano he'd been in love.  
  
Fingering the material of his pillow, Sanosuke realized he possibly hadn't even fallen so until after he'd remembered the dreams. Perhaps the dreams were completely random, but the strong feeling from them was so intoxicating he had fallen in love with the sensation and the person associated with it. The idea made him uncomfortable, as it made the whole thing seem a bit cheap, but he reminded himself it was only speculation. Truthfully, the reason behind his love didn't matter all that much, as long as he understood this particular love was futile and painful, and he should get rid of it. Again.  
  
That was his legitimate reason for being angry with Saitou. Even learning his love was a useless endeavor hadn't totally thwarted Sano. Without love, life had gone on; there was still happiness, and hope for other things. But the suppression of his feelings only worked as long as he was convinced his love was completely impossible. Having Saitou alive and near him, having him as a friend even, was a sliver of agonizing hope impossible to ignore. It reminded Sano too much of what had gone wrong for him to remember what was right.  
  
Their friendship was an odd one, more of an amiable enmity with occasional glimpses of true care, like Saitou's impromptu gifts of food or clothing, skillfully presented without an aggravating air of charity. Or Sano's sporadic tips on certain crimes he caught wind of, given discreetly but effectively. The rest of the time, they simply hung out together--if Saitou wasn't busy--arguing and insulting each other. It provided a nice mix of company for both of them, and their 'friendly discussions' were often amusing to them as well as to many eavesdropping parties.  
  
Their usual outing consisted of Sano dropping by the police station after working hours to badger Saitou about being a tool of the government and an out-dated relic, while Saitou berated him for being a useless waste of skin and an immature thug. They would continue like that, as Sano dragged Saitou out to bars and Saitou eventually dragged Sano home.  
  
To Sano's dismay, Saitou never allowed their arguments to go beyond the verbal stage; it would be unseemly for an officer of the law to be involves in public violence for no good reason. However, their evenings together were always interesting no matter what subject they chose, be it government ideals or which drunk in the bar would most likely end up passed out in a ditch before the sun rose.  
  
In addition to the no fighting rule, Saitou also forbade Sano to call him derogatory names, and Sanosuke forced the same promise out of Saitou. It was a rule they sometimes broke, but it mattered more that they had made it in the first place. They'd both agreed to keep a certain level of civility no matter how drunk Sano was, or how irritated Saitou was. Bystanders and bar patrons never tired of hearing two grown men speak to each other with forced restraint when it was obvious they wanted nothing more than to beat each other over the head, which they also sometimes did.  
  
Once they became unable to continue without spilling blood, and they would switch topics. Despite the lack of stress-relieving fistfights, Sano actually enjoyed forcing Saitou to treat him with respect, and even practicing how to control his own temper. It was a skill he was realizing he desperately needed as his violent impulses became more frequent in his emotional state and more unwieldy given the changes in society. He also liked to think he was teaching Saitou as much about his way of life as he was learning about Saitou's.  
  
Sometimes the two men would go out walking alone, and would end up having more serious conversations, again on all sorts of topics, like philosophy or politics. Sano was genuinely interested in Saitou's unique perspective on issues, but Saitou as well seemed to have a certain respect for Sano's opinions, which had baffled him at first. When Sanosuke had first inquired into Saitou's new attitude, the man had first been patronizing, spouting something about the "ignorant wisdom of children." When he'd pressed the matter, Saitou had simply told him it was a good idea to be aware of opinions from every level of society, and that he shouldn't get a swelled head about it.  
  
The comment had originally irked Sano, but after some thought, he'd realized Saitou was only stating the truth, not trying to be cruel. Also, Sano had realized it was still a compliment to him that Saitou had chosen him to be his liaison into the lower classes, and not someone else with better manners. Besides, if all Saitou was after was information, he wouldn't have spent as much time with Sano as he did, which meant part of their friendship was still about companionship.  
  
Companionship was Sanosuke's best guess as to why Saitou put up with him. With all his old friends and enemies either dead or avoiding death, Saitou's life must have become lonely. Even in his work, differences in status or personal beliefs would separate him from his colleagues. A man can be a loner all he wants, he still needs at least one other person to talk to. Sano was certain that was the motivation behind Saitou's actions, but he still didn't understand why he had been chosen as worthy. Part of him wondered why Saitou wouldn't seek that companionship with his wife, who hadn't come to Tokyo with him after all, for unfathomable reasons.  
  
Sano would have asked about the enigmatic Saitou Tokio, except he avoided thinking about her at all cost, and because he had learned early on that the easiest way to get silence out of Saitou was to mention anything to do with his recent past, including his smoking habit, Kyoto, and, most likely, his wife. His occasional depressions were also not up for discussion, no matter how much Sano tried to address the topic.  
  
Saitou's melancholy was an irritating point for Sano. It seemed impossible for someone with Saitou's spirit, but every so often when Sano called on him in his office, he would be staring into space, completely blank. He never responded to Sano's inquiries about it, pretending he hadn't even heard the words. Saitou only did that with these few things, Sanosuke found, but he still didn't know why.  
  
However, Saitou never acted like that when he was with Sano, only when Sano found him in the state, which wasn't frequently either. But it was always disturbing when Saitou was in his detached frame of mind, as Sano had come to think of it. The man was many things--arrogant, superior, passionate, and ruthless sprang immediately to mind--but detachment and total apathy were severely out of character.  
  
The infrequency was mildly comforting to Sano; he thought they might be lessening in impact. Aside from that, it was one of the other reasons Sanosuke had for spending time with Saitou, besides the interest and breaking up the monotony of his other company. Part of him felt sympathy for Saitou, knowing what it was like to have an unhappy past you'd rather forget about, and was glad Saitou was never unhappy in his company. Irritated and pissed off, sometimes, but not unhappy.  
  
He knew there was some pride in his motivations as well, but he figured he deserved it, since his pride had been taking a beating lately. There were other reasons Sanosuke refused to stop seeing Saitou as well, even when skipping town appeared to be the simplest solution to his head and heartache.  
  
Sano liked the talking, liked the company, and liked the variation from his normal friends. He was also still very curious about Saitou's actions, and was counting on figuring the whole thing out eventually. Sano was looking to turn his life in a different direction; he knew you couldn't stick to the past if the future was changing, and Saitou was very good at motivating him to do that.  
  
His attraction to Saitou, though horrible most of the time, was most bearable when he was actually with the man, because Saitou always did a great job of distracting him from his troubles, even if he was causing most of them in the first place. And sometimes, if Sano got drunk enough, it was almost like Tokio and certain interfering emotions didn't even exist, and he could pretend he was having a platonic evening out with a friend.  
  
Suddenly, Sano realized his most important reason for staying in town was that he hated to give up. Nothing bothered him more than losing and running away like a whipped mongrel. He might run in circles sometimes, but he always came back.  
  
Sure, some days might be bad and the emotional and mental frailty was humiliating at best, but what would life be without some challenges? One of the things Sano liked best about Saitou, was that life was never boring when he was around. Peace and quiet were over-rated.  
  
However, certain things were still precarious for Sanosuke. His friendship with Saitou wasn't really the problem, as strange as it was, and he didn't really feel the need to question it too deeply. But there were two things he could do without: his love, and Saitou's wife. Harming his friend's spouse was out of the question, as well as trying to seduce Saitou away from her, which would obviously be embarrassing and disastrous.  
  
As for his love--or his lust, or his immature crush, or whatever it was called--Sano didn't know what it was, what caused it, or how to get rid of it now that it had grown so strong. He felt it to different degrees whenever he looked at Saitou, almost whenever he thought of him. He feared it coming out in a drunken or angry confession, and despised having to hold his emotions in and let them eat away at his mind. When Sano tried to grasp his love's purpose or origin, his mind spiraled off into philosophical abstracts incomprehensible to his conscious mind. It made him hate and fear an innocent woman he'd never met, and that made him hate and fear himself. Even thinking about thinking about it upset him.  
  
He sometimes lived petrified of breaking down like a woman, blubbering and sobbing one moment, and hurling tables the next. Weeks would go by without the feeling being more than an annoying fly, buzzing at his ears, then a lantern would cast its light on Saitou's face in the perfect way, or the man would pay him a rough and vaguely insulting compliment, and his heart would swell up for a few moments, then burst.  
  
A few times, Sano had been forced to run out on Saitou, likely leaving the other man confused or annoyed. Sano wondered if Saitou felt the same way about his random acts of lunacy as Sano felt about Saitou's episodes. He never mentioned it, however, which was another reason Sanosuke was grateful for his presence. Kenshin and Katsu wouldn't have let him get away with that much strangeness, especially considering his earlier behavior. Saitou was always discreet, and somehow had engineered a tacit agreement between them about which subjects were not to be touched and which buttons were not to be pressed, whether it was for the sake of Saitou, or for Sano.  
  
As Sanosuke finally drifted beyond the realm of lucid thought, it grated on him that the one person who seemed to understand him was a secretive asshole, government flunky, and the source of all his woe. He desperately hoped that when all the secrets finally came out, no innocents would be caught in the storm, and there would still be some pieces of their friendship to pick up afterwards.  
  
*~*~* 


	6. Part Three: chapter five

Part Three: Pipe Dreams  
  
Chapter Five  
  
February 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (one month later)  
  
"Hey! Wait for me!" Sano ran to catch up with his friend. "You hurryin' to meet death, old man? Why didn't you wait?"  
  
Saitou smirked. "I waited as long as I usually wait. It isn't my fault you detained every pretty thing in a pink-flowered kimono on your way to the station."  
  
"What? That ain't why I was late! And when was the last time I let myself get distracted like that by one woman, much less all of them? What kinda pervert do you take me for?" Sano fumed as Saitou continued to look pleased with himself.  
  
"So you admit you were late. And if I recall correctly, you were once convinced that the late Komagata Yumi was designed to be an insidious carnal distraction, although only you would think of sex at such a crucial moment in history. I also did not say you were drooling over every woman, only the pretty ones. But it appears that you consider old women and young girls to be in that category as well, in which case I find you to be the worst kind of pervert." Saitou continued to walk at a leisurely pace, hands in his pockets, while Sanosuke stopped to bang his head against a tree in mock frustration.  
  
After fixing his hair and shaking off the dizziness, he caught up with Saitou again, and slung his arm around the other man's shoulders. "You know, you wouldn't have any fun without me."  
  
Saitou responded with a snort. "Obviously, because the perfect way to have a good time is to interrupt my important work to wander the dregs of the city with a rude, impulsive, scruffy punk, while he drinks himself to a higher state of idiocy--if that is at all possible--loses all of his money-- and some of mine occasionally--and then vomits on my shoes--possibly intentionally. In fact, I think I might quit my job, throw away my sword, and spend the rest of my life drinking myself into oblivion, gambling myself into poverty, and throwing myself at everything with breasts."  
  
Sano was laughing so hard at Saitou's tirade he almost collapsed. Then Saitou shrugged off the younger man's arm, and he did fall to the ground, still shaking uncontrollably. When Sano finally calmed down, he continued to lie on the ground, rubbing his cramped stomach. "I ain't that bad, Hajime. And we already went over this; I don't jump every chick I see, though you seem pretty convinced I'm the horniest man alive. What, are you projectin' your own bad habits onto me?"  
  
Another snort. "I was merely taking into account your preference for extremism in the base pleasures of life."  
  
"You always sound like an asshole when you talk like that."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Asshole." Sano waved off Saitou's helping hand, lifting himself off the ground easily, dusting off his rear while Saitou moved on ahead. "Still in a hurry?"  
  
Saitou slowed down a little for Sanosuke to catch up, and Sano used the opportunity to get in front of the man, walking backwards to hold a conversation. "C'mon, you got somewhere to be?"  
  
Saitou flicked him on the forehead--lightly. "It's going to rain soon. I'd rather not be outside when it does."  
  
A branch brushed against Sano's head, leaving a twig in his hair. He removed it, brushed it off on his pants, and stuck it in his mouth. "Makes sense. A soggy cop just wouldn't do, right?" He grinned at his witty provocation.  
  
"It's cold out as well. Getting sick would be inconvenient." Saitou grabbed the stick out of Sano's mouth, looked at it with disgust, then threw it to the side of the road. "Putting dirty things in your mouth could get you sick as well, idiot. Should I set your doctor friend on you?"  
  
"Hey, there ain't nothin' wrong with a little stick. It's natural and stuff, so how could that get me sick? Besides, I got a strong constitution, Megumi said so herself."  
  
Snort number three. "She has also diagnosed you as having a thick skull. You don't need to keep up that old habit; you have plenty of money for food."  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Sano always felt a bit offended that the man didn't trust him to take care of himself, but he knew the real reason was that Saitou still thought Sano had this great potential; he didn't want it to get screwed up because Sano caught a cold or didn't eat enough. It was sweet, in a painful way.  
  
Sanosuke turned around to walk beside Saitou and scuffed his feet along the dirt, hoping for a subject change before Saitou brought up something he really didn't want to talk about right now.  
  
"Have you thought about what I proposed to you?"  
  
Damn.  
  
"Yeah, I guess. I don't think I will, though. I mean, thanks for the offer and all, but I'm not really cut out for that shit. Been on the wrong side for too long, you know? And I really don't wanna leave Japan right now." He kept his eyes away from Saitou's calculating gaze.  
  
Two weeks ago, in the interest of Sano's dubious well-being, Saitou had informed him of an opportunity. As a show of good faith to the Westerners, the government wanted to send out some of Japan's enterprising young men into the civilized world to learn and be educated in the ways of the West, so that they could bring all the glorious new ideas, inventions, social values, and trade interests back home.  
  
Sano thought it was a load of shit, and he figured Saitou probably thought so too, but the man had gotten it into his head that Sanosuke needed more opportunities, which the West was apparently bursting with. Sano preferred to leave the guns and trains and cameras to the foreigners, but he didn't know how to convince Saitou of this. Most importantly, he didn't want Saitou to be even more remote and unattainable than he already was. This man, who made him so very miserable and wanted him to go so far away, was the only one who made Sano happy anymore.  
  
Saitou's tone was harsh--nothing new. "Idiot. What do you think you're going to do with your life? Pull wagons, drink, and fight with me? Get a real job and a real future. You were right when you said fighting is the way of the past; money and careers are where the world is headed, and those lie in America."  
  
Sanosuke stopped walking and turn aside, disgust rising in his throat. Saitou stopped as well and faced him. "Don't delude yourself, Sanosuke. You have made a start, but this life is going nowhere for you."  
  
Sano couldn't restrain himself. "You are a fuckin' tool! Did it ever fuckin' occur to you that I don't give a shit about money and livin' the big life? I thought you were supposed to be all righteous and honourable, but you're a beggin' dog just like the rest of them, throwin' away your country for some flashy new toys."  
  
Saitou slapped him, and Sano staggered back a step as the other man stepped forward. "You stupid fool. That's how you win against the men rising to the top today. Play their corrupt little games, then change the rules and crush them. We will take what we can from the West, then turn it back on them. Don't ever accuse me of things you don't remotely understand."  
  
Saitou's eyes were practically ripping him apart. Sano had never seen his cop so passionate before--it was a huge turn-on. "Sorry, sorry. I wasn't thinkin'. I know you're not a sellout." He forced a cough. "Shit, you know how to freak a guy out! I've never seen you so worked up before." Sano tried to smile.  
  
Saitou was not dissuaded. He walked right up to Sano and put his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Sanosuke, Tokyo has nothing to offer you. Your future is full of potential, but you will find none of it in a tavern in the middle of the night. Stay here, doing what you are doing, and one day your whole sorry existence will end in a useless drunken brawl." He paused, and took a short breath. "I would regret that."  
  
Sanosuke was astounded. That Saitou would drop their mutual shield of amicable animosity, give up his perch of aloof benevolence, and show unconcealed concern for him, it was too much. The hand on his shoulder alone was too much. He socked Saitou in the jaw.  
  
Knowing he couldn't hurt the man and wishing he had, Sanosuke started to move away quickly, trying to leave the mess behind. Saitou caught up with him easily, grabbing his shoulder--again--and spinning him around. "What the hell is your problem? You immature brat, I am trying to help you!"  
  
Sano pushed himself away from Saitou, refusing to look him in the eye. "Well fuck you, 'cause I don't want your help. Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone, you bastard. You don't even know what you're doin' to-- Shit."  
  
There was a fallen tree at the side of the road. Sanosuke sat down on it and buried his head in his hands as he tried to think. He had done it-- reached the point where Saitou had gotten so close that the remaining impossible distance was acid on his heart. He was sitting next to a man whom he respected, admired, and--for some godforsaken reason--loved, but there would never be anything more between them than what had been achieved tonight. It burned.  
  
He saw two shoes walk in front if him and stop. He looked up through his intertwined fingers at Saitou's face. The man was pissed, glaring at him from a stone wall of anger. Sano knew Saitou had been going out on a limb by being nice to him, and that the man resented having his efforts thrown back in his face. Sanosuke wondered if it might be his chance out of this pain. He knew exactly how to rectify his ungrateful behavior, but if he let Saitou stay mad at him he wouldn't have to deal with the man's painful presence any longer. He prepared himself to insult Saitou one last time, at which the man would walk off silently and never look back.  
  
He raised his head and met Saitou's eyes. "I-- I'm sorry."  
  
He couldn't do it, couldn't give up the little bit of his dream he'd managed to gain, even if it stung and bit him. By apologizing--a mature effort--Saitou would forgive him, and they would be back to normal. If Sano were lucky, Saitou would give up his mission for Sano's future, and things would stay normal.  
  
Saitou's face lost its razor-edge, and he walked over to sit next to Sanosuke. "Thank you." More pausing and the subtle digesting of pride on both parts.  
  
Saitou rubbed his jaw absently and smirked. "I thought you said you were out of practice."  
  
Sano laughed. "Well, it ain't my fault if you're gettin' brittle in your old age. I was expectin' you to dodge it anyway."  
  
"The attack wasn't exactly anticipated. What made you so angry?"  
  
"I don't wanna talk about it."  
  
"Obviously. Talk about it anyway."  
  
"Look, it doesn't matter. It's private, you know. There's stuff I don't feel like tellin' you, just like there's stuff you don't feel like tellin' me." Sanosuke played his trump, relieved that he had skillfully turned the conversation around.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Great! C'mon, let's go. I'm starvin' and the rain just started. Hey, you were right. I'll bet it was just luck." He stood up and waited for Saitou to do the same.  
  
Saitou did stand, but he put a firm hand on Sano's arm, blocking his movement. "Perhaps we have let these things be concealed for too long. I did not see a purpose in bringing them up before, but now I feel I cannot ignore your behavior if I am to invest so much time--my own choice, I admit- -in you. I cannot ask you to reveal yourself to me without doing the same in return, so if you will help me to understand you, I will do the same."  
  
Sano couldn't believe that now, of all times, Saitou Hajime had decided to be perfectly candid about their pasts. The temptation of learning his friend's dark secrets was huge, but-- "No way. Trust me, this ain't somethin' you wanna know."  
  
"Let me decide that."  
  
The cold, calm voice was getting on Sanosuke's nerves. "Fine then! Fuck it, if you wanna know so bad, I'll fuckin' tell you. But you're responsible if everythin' gets fucked up after." Sano hoped the swearing would put Saitou off, make him irritated enough to forget the whole thing. He really wanted to take back his earlier apology.  
  
Saitou said nothing in response, only sat back down and gestured for Sanosuke to do the same. Sano obeyed, but instead of breaking down into his confession, he folded his arms over his chest and stared off to the side.  
  
"Sanosuke."  
  
"Yeah, what?"  
  
"You said you would tell me."  
  
"I fuckin' will already! Just gimme a bit."  
  
"Give me your word."  
  
Sano faced him again, but Saitou's eyes were too penetrating to look at, so he looked at the man's chest instead. "Yeah, sure. Fine, I promise. This isn't worth it though."  
  
"We'll see." Saitou looked like he would give anything for a cigarette.  
  
Sano reminded himself that he was doing this because Saitou had asked, and had promised to tell him everything as well. "How much do you know already?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, have you talked to Kenshin about me, or somethin'? About how I went crazy a while back?"  
  
"I want to hear it in your own words."  
  
Sano supposed that meant yes, but it didn't matter because Kenshin didn't know the full story anyway. "Fine. Well, back after the Shishio thing, around the middle of June, I started havin' these dreams."  
  
"Dreams? What kind?"  
  
"Shut up, I'm gettin' to that. They were-- Well, they were that kind. You know."  
  
A small snicker. "This hardly seems serious."  
  
"Dammit, Hajime, it is. Now shut the fuck up if you want me to keep goin'."  
  
"Of course, I apologize."  
  
Sanosuke did want to stop there, but he knew Saitou wouldn't let him, and he was even beginning to get attached to the idea of finally letting his feelings out. Once he started the process, he couldn't stop. "Anyway, they were like that, but-- I didn't really remember what they were about. I'd wake up and be all, you know, but when I tried to figure out why, there was nothin'. It wasn't too bad at first, just weird, but then it wouldn't stop."  
  
He took a breath. "It basically happened every night for about twelve months. 'Til last June."  
  
Saitou looked a bit shocked and no longer amused.  
  
"The reason they stopped was because, well-- See, I'd been havin' a really shitty day. Every day was shitty, actually. The dreams were totally fuckin' up everything, which is why Kenshin and everybody thought I was crazy. I couldn't get any sleep or nothin', 'cause I kept gettin' woken up by the dream.  
  
"I spent all my time tryin' to nap but none of it was any good. I didn't see anybody but Katsu, because everyone else was too nosy. So I didn't hang out with any of my friends and they all thought that I was actin' really weird. Which I was, you know. And then this one day, I was just thinkin' all sorts of crazy shit, real outta control stuff. I was totally psycho, a real freak."  
  
Saitou nodded. "You were suffering from sleep deprivation."  
  
Sano nodded as well. "Yeah, just like that. But that all went away after the dreams stopped, and nobody's worried about me anymore. Hell, I even got a job now, remember? I'm fine now. So there, that's what you wanted to know: I didn't sleep properly for a bit, and it made me nuts, but it's all over now."  
  
"Sanosuke, you haven't told me why the dreams went away."  
  
Sano was confused for a moment, until he realized that in his rambling and sidestepping, he had forgotten the point of what he'd been talking about. "Whoops, sorry about that. They stopped because on that day I was really, really crazy, I kinda went for a run. Because I was crazy, I felt like runnin', so I did, and then I wore myself out so much, I remembered what I'd been dreamin' about, and they went away. I'm normal again, so don't worry or nothin'."  
  
Saitou did not look satisfied. "What exactly were the dreams about? Sano, stop avoiding the important information."  
  
Sano felt trapped. "Shit, they weren't about nothin'! Nothin' important, all right? I just remembered them, then forgot about them. It was just a stupid thing my mind was doin' to fuck me up."  
  
Saitou grabbed Sano's chin and forced eye contact. "If they were nothing, why are you so afraid of them? And if the issue is resolved, then why were you so upset earlier? I don't understand why you reacted so badly when I tried to help you. And you still need help."  
  
Sanosuke tried to wallop Saitou across the face again, but this time his punch was deflected. "Fuck you. Why do you care?"  
  
Releasing Sano's chin, Saitou moved his hand back to the young man's shoulder--an aggravatingly paternal gesture, and sighed. "I will tell you, after you fulfill your side of the bargain."  
  
Saitou's words caused all the wind and anger to go out of Sanosuke, leaving loneliness and defeat. He let his body slump down, giving up his resistance. At this point, things were so bad that there was no way they could get worse. He decided to give Saitou what the man wanted. "I wasn't lyin' when I said the dreams didn't matter. I thought they did for a bit, but then I found out different."  
  
He stopped for a moment, trying to think of how to word the next part, so Saitou broke in. "If they are inconsequential, then they have nothing to do with you current unhappiness?"  
  
"I'm not--"  
  
"Don't lie; it's painfully clear."  
  
Saitou was right; Sano knew it was obvious that he wasn't happy. "They are kinda connected. Realizin' they were stupid was pretty harsh, but I got over that part. I guess they ended up settin' me up for somethin' worse.  
  
"It's really not as important as you're thinkin' it is, Hajime. It's just this dumb little thing I've got stuck in my head. I'm working on gettin' over it; I shouldn't'a taken it out on you." He tried to convey his apology through his eyes as well as with his words, but Saitou was so focused it was like staring at a solid rock mountain.  
  
The relentless question. "Sanosuke, who did you dream about that you are so ashamed of? Don't deny it, I can see it in your face as you talk. Was it Takani, or Himura's woman? Himura himself?" Saitou was attempting to infuse the situation with the small comfort of humour--a trick he'd learned from Sano.  
  
It didn't work; Sanosuke was beyond finding the situation amusing. "Shit, no. None of them. Goddamnit, Saitou!" He wanted to curl up on the grass with his anger, grief, and--yes--shame and just the let the rain, which was picking up now, drown him. "Fuckin' hell, it was you."  
  
Saitou stiffened. Physically, and emotionally as well, Sano could tell. "That one day when I went runnin', I was just sittin' in the middle of the woods after, half-dead, and I remembered dreaming about you. They were really nice and beautiful too. Can't recall all the details or nothin', but I remember how nice they felt. And not even just, you know, but all over nice.  
  
"I got really caught up in it too, I think 'cause I was still, what did you say, sleep deprived. Still crazy. But then I realized the stuff in those dreams was outta the question. I realized hard too; it really hit me." Sano slapped his hands together. "But I told you, none of that stuff matters anymore. It was just this stupid idea I got out of my head a while ago. Well, mostly out. Kinda flared up again when you came back, but I swear I'm gettin' rid of it. Sometimes you just make it a little hard, like tonight. But that's my own stupid fault, so don't worry about it."  
  
Saitou, who had shifted away from Sano during his babbled explanation, was the picture of contemplation. The silence was full of breathing, raindrops, and nervous fidgeting.  
  
Finally: "In the middle of the woods?"  
  
Sanosuke chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, that was where I ended up runnin' to. Guess I didn't wanna be around people. I met Shimohira-san when I was walkin' back."  
  
"How fortuitous."  
  
"Haji-- Saitou, if you wanna go, just go already."  
  
"You were upset because you thought I was dead?"  
  
"No. I hadn't been thinkin' about that before, but once I did, I wasn't sure if you were actually dead. I think I kinda tried to convince myself you weren't. Guess I was right after all." He grabbed the ends of his headband and began fiddling with them.  
  
Saitou reached over and stilled his anxious motions. "Tell me if this is correct: You spent twelve months having dreams that you could not remember, and suffered severe sleep deprivation. At the end of those twelve months, you found a way to recover the dreams and discovered they were about-- about me. You concluded I was alive, or tried to conclude, and then what?"  
  
Sano snatched his hands back. "And then I stopped being a stupid asshole and got over it."  
  
"Except for the recent relapse at my return."  
  
"Yeah. Fuck, you can be so goddamned clinical--"  
  
"Shut up and stay on topic. And talk like an adult." Finally a hint of emotion came into Saitou's voice. "What exactly are your feelings towards me at the moment?"  
  
"I already told you that." Sanosuke's own voice burned with emotion.  
  
"No, you did not. Do you love me? Is it lust?" Saitou sounded uncomfortable with the words he was speaking--Sano was overjoyed that he wasn't the only one.  
  
"Love, I think. I don't know."  
  
"Because of a dream."  
  
Sano jumped up. "No! Not because of a fuckin' dream! The dreams were nothin'--I got rid of them so quick. It's just-- just you." All of his previous humiliations were nothing compared to this. "You're strong and-- shit, I don't know, honourable or somethin'. You've got this stupid, pointless, fuckin' beautiful conviction. You don't give a shit about all the stupid stuff everybody else is so hung up on, and, as much as you try and hide it, you aren't a complete asshole. And I'm just a dumb kid with a crush he can't shake."  
  
"You never intended to tell me any of this." Saitou was unreadable; Sano didn't really care.  
  
"Of course I fuckin' didn't! Dammit, what good would it do?  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Oh right!" Sanosuke pitched his voice to an obnoxious falsetto. "Please, Mr. Big Policeman Samurai sir, leave your faithful wife and carry me away for some romantic snuggling and a life of sin! Just take me now!" He gave up the mockery. "Shit, man. I'm an idiot; I'm not stupid."  
  
"My wife?"  
  
"What about her? Didn't think I knew? Hell, Kenshin told me right back when I first figured out the dreams. I was tryin' to get him to help me find you."  
  
Saitou lifted his right eyebrow. "You wanted to find me? Why?"  
  
"I dunno. To see, I guess. What would happen. It doesn't matter, I keep sayin'."  
  
Saitou's hand reached out, towards Sanosuke's arm, but he stopped short and retracted it. Instead, he told Sano, "Sit down. Sanosuke, sit down and look at me."  
  
Still reluctant, Sano complied. "What now?"  
  
"My wife died over a year ago." Solemn and edged.  
  
Sano jumped up again, with a shout, nearly slipping on the wet grass. "The hell?"  
  
Saitou stood up as well, and this time did not hesitate to put a hand on Sano's arm. "It was last January; a lung disease."  
  
Sanosuke placed his own hand on Saitou's shoulder. "Shit, I'm so sorry, Hajime. I feel like an ass now, bringin' all my shit down on you."  
  
Saitou smiled, very slightly, but tenderly. "Thank you, but I have made peace with it."  
  
Still holding Sanosuke's arm, Saitou sat both of them back down again. "You have told me, very honestly, about your secrets. Now it is my turn. Do not interrupt."  
  
Sano nodded quickly. Despite the horribleness of his own confession, he was still genuinely interested and concerned for Saitou. Perhaps even more in light of the last few moments. He thought he had seen all the hidden facets of the man, but a few new ones had just been revealed that he never suspected would exist. He felt closer to Saitou now more than ever, which was ironic considering that he had sparked the entire conversation by throwing a tantrum because he'd thought they had gotten as close as was ever possible.  
  
Saitou spoke plainly and factually. "When Tokio died I felt responsible, and I still do. As she was dying of the disease, wasting away under the labour of her chest, I was reminded of the coughs she would get when I smoked around her. She complained about my cigarettes all the time, but I never heeded her, and neither did the doctor. We were both fools. And though I was away often in the last three years, the damage to her body was done. I quit smoking two months after she died."  
  
"That long? Why not right away?"  
  
Saitou grimaced. "I attempted to, but found I had become addicted to them, so quitting was harder than I had predicted. That unforeseen weakness, coupled with the loss of Tokio, made me-- angry. I was not as compliant to my superiors as I should have been." Another slight smile, but no tenderness this time. "The chief I was reporting to was an insufferable ass, and on more than a few occasions I informed him of such when I let my temper get the better of me. I would not smirk if I were you--you would not have fared any better."  
  
It was funny to Sano, though, that Saitou would have shown the same flaw he always hated in others, specifically Sanosuke.  
  
Saitou flicked him on the forehead again. "As soon as I had finished up my most important cases for him--he didn't assign any new ones--he announced he was transferring me here. By that point, I had regained control of myself, but I honestly didn't care to continue working under him anyway, as long as I remained a part of the secret police. There are few places where men like us can live the old life; the police force is one of them."  
  
Sanosuke smiled. "There's no way they let you kill half the assholes you want to; it's gotta drive you crazy sometimes."  
  
Another snort, finally. "Contrary to popular belief, I do not have an unquenchable blood lust. Besides, these new systems are designed to have loopholes. They're for the corrupt, of course, but I have found that any intelligent man can use them. Those who deserve to die--the ones that take and misuse power--still die."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, we've been over this already. Every night!" Sano stood and stretched his back, vertebrae cracking. "C'mon, it's really late now, and we're both soaked. Next time you think it's gonna rain, take an umbrella already."  
  
"Are we done here?" Saitou looked up at him.  
  
Sano was puzzled. "Ain't we? I mean, we talked everythin' over, cleared the big mysteries, figured out what the hell was wrong with both of us. Now we don't hafta worry about steppin' on each other's toes by mistake. Hell, we even turned out to have the same problem: loneliness. We're a sorry pair, you know?" He smiled.  
  
Saitou stood up, a little stiffly. "Do you plan to do anything about what you confessed?"  
  
Shifting on his feet, Sano ran a hand through his hair, shaking water droplets out of it--he really was wet, but didn't mind it too much and the rain was dying down. "Well, no. I mean. . . I don't know."  
  
"You were only worried because I was married? Not that I would find you disgusting, unattractive, or childish?"  
  
"Well I sure didn't until now! Shit, you know how to set a guy at ease. Just drop it already. I'm not gonna bring it up again, so don't worry."  
  
"You keep saying not to worry." Saitou stepped close to Sano, and placed his left hand on the back of the younger man's neck, making Sano flinch. "I don't think I'm the one who's been worried." He bent slightly forward, and touched his mouth to Sano's.  
  
It wasn't truly a kiss--they were both immobile; testing the waters with uncertainty and apprehension. It was simply a meeting of lips, soft and more delicate that either of them usually bothered with. But it was nice, and it said something.  
  
Sanosuke moved away first. "But I thought--"  
  
"Knowing you, not likely."  
  
Sano grinned and playfully punched Saitou in the stomach. "Watch it, old fart. I can still kick your ass."  
  
"Still?"  
  
Now things were truly back to normal, but Sanosuke couldn't help his curiosity. "Do you-- I mean, are you-- What was-- Damn, this is complicated now!"  
  
"Is it? You are over-thinking things." They both looked a little surprised at that statement, and broke out into a laugh simultaneously. That is, Saitou chuckled and Sano guffawed.  
  
"Oh man, I'm gonna hafta bring that one back to haunt you!"  
  
"Sanosuke." Serious again. "I was not expecting the confession I heard tonight--I never anticipated you would feel the way you do. However, I do not mind. Actually, it is advantageous." Pause. "I promised to tell you why I have been interfering in your life." He looked like he wanted a smoke more than ever. "Tokio filled a special part of my life, and I am grateful for that. When she died it was possible to go on without her, but I regret losing her. You--in these past few months--have filled a certain portion of that void. I was content with your friendship, and thought of you as a younger brother or son, but if you wish more, I am inclined to grant it."  
  
Sanosuke felt like the weight of a single water droplet could tumble him to the ground--astonished was not a strong enough word. "Holy fuck!" He wiped an arm across his forehead and tried to get his wide-open eyes to close a little. "Wait, what the hell-- Are you-- Damn."  
  
Saitou smirked. "Nice to know I am not the only one who's been shocked this evening."  
  
Sano returned the smile. "Heh. Aren't you supposed to be the big aloof asshole who don't need anybody or anythin' but his sword?"  
  
Snort. "A true fool is one who does not recognize that all men have some weaknesses. Shishio was one of those. I am superior because I acknowledge, understand, and control my weaknesses."  
  
"Control your weaknesses?"  
  
Saitou paused. "I do not think of you as a weakness. I was referring to my need for companionship and to my vices. I am not interested in controlling you either."  
  
Sano nodded. "Okay, I get it." He ran a hand through his hair. "So what? You only allow yourself one friend and one bad habit?"  
  
"Something like that." Saitou squeezed Sanosuke's shoulder and began walking down the road in the opposite direction they'd been heading all night.  
  
Sano caught up, and made sure his arm brushed against Saitou's as they walked. "Well if I'm your new friend, I guess we gotta find you a new bad habit too, right?" He practiced his leer. "Where we goin' anyway?"  
  
"My place."  
  
Sano stopped.  
  
"Whoa, wait a minute. I was only jokin' just now, about, about, you know. I mean, I like you, but I've never-- I only just figured it out, is all. And I'm not really wantin' to jump right into-- well, into--"  
  
Saitou stopped as well, smirked, and pinched Sano's lips shut. "Idiot. I'm not going to take advantage of you until you are ready. We are going there to eat. Nothing is open at this hour, and from the sounds of your stomach, I can tell you are still hungry. I have food at my house, but you'll have to be satisfied with soba. Fine now?"  
  
Sano rubbed his lips and grinned sheepishly. "Yeah. Sorry about jumpin' to conclusions and all. But, Hajime?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm tryin' not to get too caught up in this. I'm really happy there's a chance to be with you, but there's a ton of ways we could screw this up." Sano pondered that, and came up with examples. "I'm pretty stupid sometimes, and you're an ass most of the time. What's to say we don't start fightin' each other seriously and this whole thing falls apart? I don't wanna pretend there's gonna be a perfect happy endin', but it's depressin' to start somethin' actin' like it's about to end."  
  
"Sanosuke, you have no idea how much you've changed." It seemed now they'd declared their emotions, Saitou felt more inclined to be affectionate. Sanosuke wondered if he could get used to it. "You are correct in judging that we are not perfectly compatible. However, perfect relationships are foolish to wish for and impossible to gain. I am well aware that you are immature at times, but you have shown the potential for more and the ability to use that potential. I have witnessed your drinking and entertaining habits, and they usually remain at an acceptable level. Do you understand what I'm saying?"  
  
Sanosuke nodded. "Yeah, I do. Even if you spend too much time workin', I admire that. And when you're hard on me, it's because you know I can do better, not because you wanna beat me down. Right?" Sano knew he was. "But what about stuff besides just personality? I mean, if you get transferred again, do I have to just follow along? Is your life gonna be more important than mine?"  
  
"In a relationship I could not ask you to be anything but an equal. I am not looking for additional burdens; we will work together, or not at all."  
  
"Sounds good to me. C'mon, we can do this walkin'. I'm really starvin' now." They set off again, with Sano still walking closer to Saitou than he would have in the past. "So you're okay with us not havin'--" Cough. "Not havin' sex right away? It's really new to me is all. And have you ever. . . Before?"  
  
Saitou chuckled softly. "You blush so much over a single word; it's completely adverse to your normal character. No, I do not mind if we wait. I do not require a sexual partner as part of my daily regimen. The comfort will be nice in the future, however; I assure you.  
  
"I ask only a few things from you, Sanosuke. Fidelity, responsibility, and for you to be the person you are, regardless of what you think I or other people might want."  
  
Sano had never felt so all-over-and-inside-out warm in his whole life. He was embarrassed, but too pleased to care. "Gotcha. Keep your promise about bein' equal, and I'll be happy too. But what about those other people? I mean, it'd probably be better not to get all lovey-dovey when we're hangin' out with the guys."  
  
The predictable snort. "I'd rather we not act lovey-dovey at all. If I wanted a girly man, I would sleep with Himura."  
  
Sano was reminded of something. "Shit, that's right! What about Kenshin?"  
  
"What do you mean, what about him? He's obviously too short for either of us, and one would be required to pry him away from the manly girl."  
  
Sano slugged him in the shoulder, gently. "Shut up, I don't mean that. I mean what if he finds out? Will he be mad?"  
  
Saitou sighed. "He's your friend, not mine; I have no idea what his reaction would be to this kind of thing. He doesn't seem upset over our current interaction. But if you don't mind, I suggest we keep our deepened relationship private. In public, we can be satisfied with our previous arrangement. Unless there is someone you feel obligated to inform? Do you have any contact with your family?"  
  
"Nope. Dad's better off without me hangin' around, so he doesn't need to know what I've been up to since I left. But what about you? You've probably got family too-- Shit, you don't got kids, do you?"  
  
Saitou lost his amused smile. "No."  
  
"Really? I woulda figured a guy like you would wanna have a couple sons."  
  
"We tried, but three times they died in the womb, a few months before they were due--all boys. It was too dangerous for Tokio's health to continue our attempts."  
  
Sano heard the disappointment in Saitou's voice and knew the man had been looking forward to progeny. "Damn, I'm sorry." He brushed an arm against Saitou's and they walked silently for a while. "Is this what I get to do now? Hear all the stuff you'd never tell anyone else?"  
  
There was a hint of caution in Saitou's eyes. "Yes."  
  
"Cool."  
  
Sano could feel Saitou's tiny smile as the man kissed him softly on his damp forehead. He glanced up and saw that the cloud were starting to clear.  
  
He couldn't believe his good fortune. If he'd managed to make it to a gambling house tonight, he would have cleaned house and made it sparkle. Despite his speech about keeping a level head, his body was floating a million miles away from his mind. Saitou Hajime didn't hate him! Saitou Hajime was willing to love him! Saitou Hajime wouldn't mind fucking him! It was mind-blowing.  
  
The whole night had been all over the place. It had started normal, gotten a little off-track, then a lot off-track, then down right horrible, and finally: absolutely perfect. Sano reminded himself that nothing was perfect--nor should it be, a little Saitou voice chimed in--but whatever this had turned into, it was close.  
  
The most surprising thing about the evening--though the running was close-- was Sanosuke's new insight into Saitou's personality. He realized he should have known there was more to the man than what was instantly apparent, especially for a guy as secretive as Saitou. Sano supposed it was part of his maturing process to learn that no man could be pure evil or cruel for the sake of cruelty. Saitou was harsh on the surface, but he had needs and tenderness and dreams buried within him like everyone else.  
  
Saitou said he had no idea of the leaps he'd made from his innocent and childish beginnings, but he was wrong. Sanosuke was well aware his priorities and judgment had changed, that he'd learned to view life with more clarity and less prejudice. He'd learned not all dreams were good and not all pain was bad.  
  
It was strange, however, the way he and Saitou seemed to fit so well together now, against odds and precedence. It brought up interesting questions.  
  
"Hey, Hajime. Do you think people really change? Or do they just become more of who they were to begin with?"  
  
Saitou looked at him curiously as he slid open the door to his home. "They grow up." He walked inside.  
  
Sano paused outside, taking a second look at the fading stars in the dawn sky.  
  
"Or wake up." Sanosuke followed his friend inside.  
  
*~*~* 


	7. Part Four: epilogue

Part Four: Sweet Sleep Descends  
  
Epilogue  
  
May 1880 - 12th year of the Meiji Era (less than three months later)  
  
Saitou marvelled that such a selfish wish had been granted to him not once, but twice in his lifetime--an intimate relationship with a perfectly suitable partner. Well, perhaps not perfect, but close enough to satisfy.  
  
"Hey, you just gonna sit there, or go to sleep?"  
  
A close relationship was not necessary for his survival or even his mere contentment, but Saitou valued it highly. There was an indescribable freedom and solace in sharing a deep trust with one person, despite the dangers inherent in such a practice.  
  
"Later. I still have work to do."  
  
Tokio had been unexpected--a precious gift not asked for, but welcomed. Finding a woman who was admirable, charming, soothing and who held fondness for him was one thing, but as her love and trust in him had allowed him to reciprocate, he'd discovered that there was something about her that relaxed him completely, and gave him a chance to be more open and human--in private, of course. Sharing his life, troubles, imperfections, weaknesses, joys, hopes, wants, and needs with her had relieved and grounded him, making him even more powerful and steadfast. She had become his well of strength at a time when it was most needed, at the end of his world, at the end of the shogunate.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, you worked all day and all week! Just come to bed already."  
  
Perhaps "end of his world" was a strong way to put it, but with first the shogunate's surrender of Japan to invading ideals, the admission that the old ways were lost to a modern world and then the last vestige of the old ways being overthrown in favour of another, considerably more naïve government that still desired to pander to the West, it had felt apocalyptic. His status as samurai dissolved, his weapons and lifestyle banned, Saitou had been a man with purpose, but no direction. But Tokio had not, and never did, put up with any kind of self-pity. In his bleakest moment, she had goaded him back into action. Marrying her was the finest choice he had ever made, aside from a later choice of joining the police force, which had been at her behest anyhow.  
  
"This will not take long. Go, and I will join you soon."  
  
She had been beautiful. Much smaller than him--which occasionally had made sharing affections awkward--with massive eyes that gave her the appearance of being a little girl. Saitou had never tired of looking at his wife. She had only been a couple of years younger than he was, but there had been times when she would affect an almost impossible childlike persona, whether she was being joyous or petulant. Her special youth had had a way of rubbing off on him, giving him extra energy and vitality.  
  
Sanosuke grumbled and glared, not leaving his side.  
  
Of course, she'd never behaved that way except with him. In the company of others, Tokio had been proper, demure, and discreet, as well as intelligent and confident. She had been cultivated as a perfect lady, and would have been ashamed to act otherwise in public, though people often remarked on how young she seemed, and on her strong spirit. Alone with him, she hadn't acted foolish or immature, only let herself be more comfortable and less restrained. Privately, they relaxed together and enjoyed each other; shared moments of sentimentality, hurt, or weakness that they would have otherwise kept to themselves.  
  
"That's just some paperwork, Hajime; you can do it any time."  
  
Her eyes had been her best feature--expressive to the point of intelligent articulation. She had always surprised Saitou with her ability to convey her intentions with absolute clarity in only a few glances. Sometimes, even if he was suffering from a large amount of stress or anger, he only had to look at her, into her eyes, to be calmed and refreshed.  
  
Saitou shifted uncomfortably against the weight of Sano leaning over his shoulder.  
  
Her eyes had been a bittersweet blessing once her illness had progressed beyond the point of repair. As her chest laboured and strained, her eyes had shone forgiveness and love to him, her mouth too busy gasping for air. After her child's-eyes--by then the only shred of youth left in her shaking, shuddering body--had closed for the last time he had begun the process of earning that forgiveness.  
  
"If done now, it won't interfere later on. Don't fight me on this, Sanosuke."  
  
He'd known right away the disease was caused by him. The smoking was something he'd picked up soon after the dawn of the new age. At first, it had been a disappointed whim; lip service to the conquering Western influences, but he'd found he enjoyed the cigarettes and their calming effect, and they'd became a suitable replacement to alcohol, which that he could no longer afford to relinquish control to. He'd appreciated the portability and compactness of the cigarettes, and the foreboding element they added to his image.  
  
"Fuck, I ain't tryin' to start somethin', okay? I just don't see why you gotta do this shit right now."  
  
But the habit had been the one thing Tokio deemed completely intolerable. She'd detested the smell and taste of them, the mess they left, and how they yellowed his fingers and teeth. He had forced a compromise, however. He hadn't seen a good enough reason to give up his cigarettes, so he'd appeased her by smoking outside and cutting back while he was at home. Her coughing fits had been slightly distressing, but she'd always been prone to them, long before they'd met. Saitou had concluded that although she was weak-lunged, her body was otherwise very healthy and quitting smoking would only make him unnecessarily irritated and inconvenienced. He'd tried to make it up to her by always keeping a supply of the expensive, foreign incense she liked in the house.  
  
Saitou smacked Sano across the back of the head.  
  
It hadn't been enough, of course. He still felt stupid for not realizing the danger of trusting a Western product, for not understanding its poisonous nature. The cigarettes had rotted his wife's body, and sunk claws into his own, so silently he'd never even noticed until trying to give up the habit. More insidious than opium, the cigarettes did not waste away the user overtly, but trapped him in a guise of benign pleasure. Who could tell what damage had been done to his own body, and whether or not he would end up like his Tokio, wheezing his way to oblivion.  
  
"What the hell was that for!"  
  
But regrets were stumbling blocks for fools. He'd learned many lessons from Tokio's parting, not the least of which was to be more wary of American gifts to poor, backwards Japan. Perhaps Tokio had only succumbed because of her already deficient lungs; Saitou himself could not detect the same symptoms in himself, and still felt exceptionally healthy for his age. Most importantly, though the incident with the cigarettes had been unexpected and had happened at a very bad time, he was completely beyond their reach now. The matter was resolved.  
  
"I have told you before, do not use that kind of language. You degrade yourself by it."  
  
Tokio rested peacefully--remembered, loved, and set free. His regret over her death was replaced with a respect for her life. He had lapsed, occasionally, into melancholic recollections, dozing off into a memory of her face or her voice. But the memories didn't help him with anything--she had been a presence in his life, not a vision. The drifts were accidents he avoided, not that he'd had too much trouble with them lately.  
  
Sano rubbed his head and looked at him reproachfully, but a tiny smile struggled on the young man's lips.  
  
What Saitou had missed the most about Tokio was the openness of their relationship. She'd been someone he didn't have to be on guard around; he'd been someone she didn't have to be subservient to. He'd accepted she was more willful a woman than the average man would want; she'd accepted his absolute devotion to his pursuit of justice. He had loved her spirit; she had loved his conviction.  
  
"You get so cranky when you're tired, Hajime; it's kinda cute. I just don't wanna go to bed alone tonight, so I'm gonna wait up for you."  
  
It had been because their personalities and needs fit so well that he and Tokio had been able to achieve their intimacy and support each other. Tokio had been a gift he'd never take for granted, especially now that he'd found Sanosuke, who possessed the same talents, personality, and spirit as his late wife. Sano was a second chance Saitou had not anticipated nor requested, but appreciated nonetheless.  
  
Saitou smiled slightly as his pen scratched over the heavy paper.  
  
Upon first meeting the young man, Saitou had been struck by the resemblance to Tokio the boy had. However, because Sano had also been immature and childish, obstinate to the point of self-destruction, and completely undisciplined, he'd been offended and irritated by the boy's presence, finding it a mockery of his already-ailing wife. Ignoring the idiot had been the best way to deal with his insistent existence. However, upon meeting Sanosuke again, over a year later, he had not found an impudent, belligerent brat, but a slightly older young man, with an adult's pain and experience in his eyes. Saitou had immediately been forced to re-evaluate him, and the potential he'd seen had been very interesting.  
  
"Fine. But stop leaning on me like that."  
  
After finding suitable interest in the changed young man, Saitou had been prepared to take a paternal or fraternal role. He had enough connections and means to provide Sanosuke, underprivileged as he was, with things he would have otherwise done without, like food and proper clothing, or would greatly benefit from, like certain opportunities for a better lifestyle, education or employment. Sano was accommodating and quietly grateful for the former, as well as reciprocating in his companionship, but a few problems had arisen over the "certain opportunities".  
  
"Yeah, yeah. So surly, man."  
  
That they would become friends had not been a part of the original plan, but Saitou hadn't minded it. He'd been surprised to find that Sanosuke harboured a charming personality under all his ridiculous bravado and fist- flinging inclinations. Not to say there wasn't a lively quality added to anything they did together, but Saitou found himself amused and relaxed by Sano's carefree but not careless presence, even when he was also infuriated by it.  
  
"If I start yawnin', and keep doin' it, and then you start, will you finally come to bed?"  
  
So he had been content with their relationship. He'd made sure Sanosuke continued on his path to making the most of his potential, eased some of his need for human interaction, and grown quite comfortable in Tokyo, of the mind for a semi-permanent position. The need for cigarettes had appeared only slightly more frequently than the need for Tokio, but both were decreased by Sanosuke's company and new cases. If he had ever spared a thought of increasing the intensity of his relationship with Sano, he couldn't recall it now.  
  
"No. Don't be a dumbass."  
  
But Sano had come up with another of his astonishing surprises. Whether it was bizarre new techniques like his Futae no Kiwami, powerful illegal bombs, or simply not dying even after sustaining injuries fatal to any other average slob, Sanosuke was capable of miracles that no law of probability would ever believe. Saitou suspected it was Sano's raw obstinacy--and sometimes ignorance--that allowed him to endure the impossible and create such odd but successful solutions. In the most recent case, Saitou had not even suspected the problem, much less Sano's unthinking remedy to it.  
  
"Hey! Don't be a jackass either!"  
  
Saitou had known, of course, that something had happened to Sanosuke during the months after Shishio's defeat. It had seriously hurt the young man, and had shifted his way of thinking, sobering him. It had stripped him of illusions and forced him to rebuild his perception of the world. Saitou, knowing well enough the pain a memory could bear, had neglected to pry. However, once Sano's anger and avoidance had gotten in the way of something Saitou considered more important--that is, getting the young man into a lifestyle with considerably more options than his current one afforded-- Saitou had felt compelled to address the issue of why Sanosuke was so reluctant to take his humble offering.  
  
Saitou reached over and ruffled Sanosuke's hair.  
  
Understanding that forcing a confession from Sano would require both hurting him and providing a reciprocal explanation of Saitou's own behaviour--which he'd known the young man had noticed--Saitou had taken his chance that discovering the root of Sanosuke's pain and sporadic animosity would allow him to help the young man who had become both his project and his friend. He had been right, of course.  
  
"Hey, I ain't no little kid, so don't treat me like one."  
  
Despite the violent surprise that Sano was both inclined that way and inclined that way towards him--and that the whole thing was tangled up in some teenage wet dreams--the solution to both of their problems had been instantly obvious, although Sano hadn't seen it through his haze of low expectations. Even after Saitou reassured him over the matter of his wife, the young man had been oblivious to the possibilities. Saitou wondered if perhaps Sano hadn't gotten a little too caught up in his new attention to reality.  
  
"I was not treating you like a child; I was being affectionate."  
  
Saitou had taken the necessary blunt measures, however, and finally given Sanosuke a taste of the surprises he'd been handing out so freely. For Saitou, the solution was perfect. He had not been prepared to consider the young man in that particular light, but as soon as the possibility appeared, he had accepted immediately. Sano was already good company with bright prospects, but he was also attractive, and more importantly, loyal and faithful.  
  
"No, you were actin' like you were bein' affectionate so I would shut up and go away."  
  
Saitou had realized that the only thing stopping Sanosuke from being the same type of partner to him as Tokio was the incompleteness of their intimacy. A friend is never quite as close as a lover can be, because there are important facets of life never shared. Saitou had found himself quite prepared to share more than what he already had with Sanosuke, and fortunately, Sano had agreed, after his brief hesitation.  
  
"Why do you assume that?"  
  
In a few days, it would mark three months from that evening when it had rained and Saitou had kissed Sanosuke. There had been many kisses since, and Saitou remembered each of them. The peck on the cheek early the morning after that evening. The more intense kiss on a night two weeks later, after they had decided that going out to the bars would be a poor idea for that particular evening. And, of course, the myriad of kisses they had shared just last week, when Sanosuke had not only stayed the night in the literal sense, but also in the more suggestive sense.  
  
"'Cause that ain't the way you're affectionate."  
  
They'd put off sex for a while. It had been work enough to figure out how to work their new life into their old life. Sanosuke in particular had spent a lot of the first week dragging him off into secluded corners for brief exchanges of affection, just to make sure that they were really together. Saitou thought it was cute, though Sano had stopped doing it as much lately, to have hands running over his arms like he was about to disappear and soft lips skim the flesh of his face and neck. He always teased Sano about it once they returned to the privacy of his home.  
  
"No?"  
  
It was in his home, which was fast becoming Sano's home, that they were most changed. In public, aside from the brief escapes, they acted the same as before--two friends who enjoyed antagonizing each other. Sano's relationships with his friends at the dojo, and the two doctors, and his childhood friend were still stilted from the dreaming period. Saitou encouraged Sano to reach back out to them, but suggested that they be Sano's friends only; Saitou did not need excessive company from nosy people. Himura knew Saitou and Sanosuke had begun to see each other as friends--in fact, had been downright smug about it, hinting that he had foreseen it from the beginning--but both Saitou and Sanosuke were careful to keep the new dimensions of their relationship a secret.  
  
"Nope. You're not affectionate like every other person. You do it different."  
  
Saitou much preferred to keep his private life private. His perfect day consisted of going to work; thwarting some idiot's self-serving, cruel, and poorly executed plans to grab power; ruining a few corrupt and greedy politicians; then coming home to spend the evening alone with his attractive, honest, and loyal partner for a reprieve from the hideousness of men's souls. And a back rub, if he was lucky. He and Sanosuke went out sometimes, for dinner or to let Sano gamble, but that was mostly to keep up appearances. They had been such an interesting and attention-gathering pair that if they disappeared from the public scene, someone would notice and possibly comment. Saitou did not want to be involved in a scandal or a public relationship--either was too much hassle. Sanosuke had yet to seriously complain about the arrangement, and Saitou suspected he felt the same way about their privacy.  
  
"Is that so."  
  
Not that they agreed on everything. Over the course of the last three months, Saitou had counted five smaller fights, mostly due to adjusting to spending more time together, and three larger fights. So far, they had fought over why Sanosuke had to keep up his old shack and pretend to still live there, which Sano had thought would be too much work, and how Saitou should stop bringing all his paperwork home every single night. Saitou had learned the hard way that no matter his opinions on the subject, bringing up his dislike of Himura was a bad idea. Tension still lingered in the air from a disagreeable week that had begun with Sanosuke disappearing for a whole evening on an impromptu visit to the dojo and climaxed three days later with an explosion when Saitou had announced the possibility of his being transferred out of Tokyo. Both issues had been talked over, but a real resolution had yet to be reached.  
  
"Heh, now you're gettin' pissy because I got you all figured out."  
  
The biggest fight yet happened about four weeks ago, when Sanosuke had been in a mood to go out drinking, and Saitou hadn't. It would have been a small quarrel had Saitou not tried to interrupt it by initiating a serious kiss in order to persuade Sano to stay home. A week and a half had passed before Saitou had been able to bring himself to apologize for what Sanosuke had interpreted as him trying to use sex to get his way.  
  
"Hn. So exactly how am I affectionate, compared to every other person?"  
  
Saitou tried to be understanding of Sano's nervousness about intercourse. The young man had explained to him that sex was not something he'd ever taken very seriously before, and now he was trying to rethink his whole perspective on it. After his foible with the kiss, Saitou had been worried that he'd permanently frightened Sanosuke off of the act. The relief of Sano's forgiveness had been well worth the apology. Since then, Saitou had been much more careful to not violate Sano's control and let things proceed at the rate his partner wanted.  
  
"You're affectionate when you smile at me like you don't smile at nobody else."  
  
It wasn't that sex was all he wanted, or the most important thing to him, but he did find it enjoyable, and had Sanosuke not been predisposed otherwise, he probably would have made the young man his lover within the first weeks of their new relationship. When Sano had signalled his readiness--the bluntness of his surprise "fuck me," whispered in Saitou's ear a cause for alarm and arousal--Saitou gladly had taken the invitation to finally complete their intimacy.  
  
Saitou paused in his work, then smiled, leaned over, and gave Sano a light kiss on the lips.  
  
The event had been worth the wait. Despite Sano's firm decision that he knew what he wanted and why he wanted it, he was still uneasy about finally going through with it, but he'd been frank about his apprehension and Saitou had enjoyed being able to help calm him down. Once they were into the rhythm of foreplay, Sanosuke had opened up and become an active participant; he'd been clear about what he liked and what he really liked, made jokes about his own awkwardness instead of feeling ashamed, and periodically whispered beautiful "I love you"'s. Perfection had not been present--Sano was inexperienced and Saitou was long out of practice. Violence had occurred--Saitou had taken an over-excited elbow to the stomach and Sano had suffered leg cramps. But afterwards, they had lain in each other's arms like clichéd fantasy-romance lovers, and been wholly content.  
  
Sano looked pleased with himself.  
  
Sagara Sanosuke was almost perfection. The wait for intercourse had proven this even, as it showed Sano's dedication and determination, and his newfound patience. Sano had always had the beauty, the strength, the passion, and the heart, but the hardship of losing hope and love had coalesced something in him, had given him the few attributes he had lacked for Saitou to love him. This Sanosuke had resolve, purpose, and an understanding of reality that escaped so many and that so many fled from. The Battousai himself had refused to learn what Sano knew now; that some things don't happen, some dreams don't come true, some lives do not end happily ever after (though sometimes they do).  
  
"You should go to bed now; you need the rest. I will be in soon."  
  
Saitou had waited a very long time to find Tokio, though he hadn't realized it until she had appeared and shown him, and he had waited just as long to find Sanosuke. Now he had the shadow of one in the other--two companions where he'd once had none. Saitou was not a lonely man, but now he had no fear that loneliness might ever overtake him. Even should Sanosuke, for all his promise and strength, die or leave, he would have already given Saitou a new wealth of strength. Saitou believed in his country, but in the sewers where he dwelt to clean up the rats and scum, the gift of a lantern, burning with the intensity of Tokio or the ferocity of Sanosuke, was invaluable.  
  
"Okay. Night, Hajime."  
  
After Sanosuke shuffled off through the doorway and down the hall, Saitou rested his pen on the edge of the table. He rubbed his eyes and pushed the papers into a neat pile to the side, promising to hand what little work remained on them to some subordinate in the morning. Right now, he needed his sleep and a warm body.  
  
Walking down the hallway his lover had just passed through, he reminded himself to find out when Sano's birthday was; it wasn't included in any of the police records available. He wanted to know as soon as possible to avoid missing it, but wondered if there was a way he could extract the information without being forced to give up his own anniversary. Saitou cringed to think of what devious and malicious plans Sano might come up with to celebrate an old man's birthday.  
  
Saitou put those thoughts aside when he slid open the bedroom door--no one who was able to look that ridiculous while sleeping could possibly be too devious.  
  
Sanosuke never simply lay down; he sprawled, draped, stretched, and flopped. His hair became a wild animal and the snores emanating from his mouth only heightened the illusion. The assortment of limbs in odd places and the facial expressions that changed with every dream and shift never failed to make Saitou want to laugh aloud. The way his lover slept, dignity was not an option. This was the real reason Saitou always preferred it when Sanosuke went to bed before he did.  
  
Saitou never tired of being able to lie down next to his unconscious partner, rearrange the tangle of body parts to a more comfortable position for both of them, and simply look at his Sanosuke. It startled him to think that this impressive man in his arms was the same child who had shown nothing but wasted talent and reckless innocence when they had first met. The same fool who had spent his energy learning a gaudy new trick with his fists, instead of going back to the basics of defence. The same useless boy he'd left behind in the inferno of Shishio's fortress.  
  
Now everything about Sano was precious and beloved. Useful and necessary. From his soft eyes to his bad drinking habit, everything he was made him Sanosuke. Saitou would have composed poetry about his lover if he thought it would capture even a fourth of its inspiration, but he refrained. The words that flew through his head, romantic and ridiculous, only applied when they were silent. Sano was too much an anomaly of beauty, an undefined creature of perfection, that to describe his unpredictable, willful charms and handsomeness aloud, a new language would be required. Only the mind could safely imagine a way to verbally illustrate this sweet mix of rebel, punk, free spirit, friend, boy, and man.  
  
Words were unnecessary--Saitou was content to watch, love and smile; hold his sleeping lover; and wish him happy dreams. Saitou's own dreams had come true.  
  
*~*~*  
*~*~*  
*~*~*  
  
Final Author's Note: It's done! Really really really done. I've posted this on the one year anniversary of the posting of the first chapter. My god, I work slowly. ^_^ I hope everyone enjoyed this romp (sappy as it is. . .) and found that it wasn't too clichéd after all. Heh, no feedback questions this time.  
  
I probably shouldn't dig myself into a hole of obligations (any more than I already have), but I will say that sometime in the far future, I may write a sequel to this just because it would be nice to work with these two as an established couple. Get-together fics get old.  
  
One last note before I post the timeline (not necessary, but I thought that since I made so much use of it, someone might like to see it), check out the RK yaoi RPG I am in! Game is here: www.livejournal.com/community/rk_onigokko and Archive is here: hardboiledwonderland.org/onigokko/  
  
** ** **  
  
FIC TIMELINE  
  
- 1873 - Saitou Hajime and Takagi Tokio are wed**  
  
- 1877 - Saitou Hajime assumes the name of Fujita Gorou and becomes a spy for the police**  
  
- May 1878 - (early) Saitou Hajime and Sagara Sanosuke meet; (mid) Shishio Makoto is defeated and Saitou Hajime 'dies'  
  
- June 1878 - (mid) Sagara Sanosuke's dreams begin  
  
-  
  
-  
  
-  
  
-  
  
-  
  
- January 1879 - (early) Saitou Tokio dies of lung disease  
  
-  
  
- March 1879 - (mid) events of 1.1  
  
-  
  
- May 1879 - (mid) Saitou Hajime quits smoking  
  
- June 1879 - (late) events of 2.1 and 2.2: Sagara Sanosuke's dreams stop, but he falls into a depression  
  
- July 1879 - (early) Sagara Sanosuke recovers and is employed by Shimohira Tobei  
  
- August 1879 - (mid) rumours of a "high and mighty asshole" cop coming to Tokyo begin  
  
- September 1879 - (early) Tsukioka Katsuhiro confirms news of Saitou Hajime's impending return to Tokyo  
  
- October 1879 - (late) events of 3.1: Saitou Hajime returns to Tokyo  
  
-  
  
-  
  
- January 1880 - (mid) events of 3.2  
  
- February 1880 - (mid) events of 3.3: Saitou Hajime and Sagara Sanosuke come to an understanding and decide to attempt a relationship  
  
-  
  
- April 1880 - (late) Saitou Hajime and Sagara Sanosuke consummate their relationship  
  
- May 1880 - (early) events of 4.1  
  
**historically accurate  
  
*~*~* 


End file.
